Based Red-Winged Blackbird Only Attacks Chicago Cops

July 25, 2022

ROGERS PARK—Two months after the tragic death of Monty the piping plover, Chicago birders once again flocked to the north side lakefront this past weekend to witness a new kind of feathered icon. With jubilant cheers usually reserved for on-time CTA service, birders and normies alike egged on a based little red-winged blackbird who seemed to only dive-bomb Chicago cops.

When Genius Herald reporters arrived on the scene, Officer Dick Dudley, 32, had somehow slammed his entire penis in the driver side door of his Ford Police Interceptor, trapping the CPD officer directly under the nest of a territorial yet really cool red-winged blackbird. Known for their aggressive behavior, red-winged blackbirds have gained infamy in recent months for their attacks on Chicagoans, yet this bird had its claws set specifically on Dudley.

“I’m here investigating—YEOWCH—reports of super-fentanyl, a new type of fentanyl laced with even more fentanyl that—OWEEE—causes anyone in contact to piss and shit their pants,” said Dudley. “We have reason to believe—[inarticulate 3 Stooges noise]—that over half the force has already been exposed.”

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Onlookers explained that after crushing his dick and possibly balls in the car door, the officer fumbled with his keys, dropped them into a nearby sewer grate, and exclaimed “D’ohhh nooo!” A socially-conscious red-winged blackbird then seized the opportunity, avoiding joggers, cyclists, and beachgoers to peck and scratch the shit out of the bumbling cop. 

Local birders claimed this was not the avian ally’s first foray into restorative justice, as many offered personal anecdotes detailing the little hero’s commitment to abolishing the prison-industrial complex. One young Chicagoan recalled her personal history with the red-winged celebrity, now known as “Barry the Based Blackbird.”

“Barry and I met at Occupy, back when he mostly attacked Wall Street types,” said community organizer Monica Moone, 43. “Then in 2020, I know he did some work with Anticaww!, which is like Antifa for birds because like, you know, it’s the sound a crow makes.”

As of this year, Barry settled down to spend more time with his children, who are currently three eggs. While defending his clutch, however, he quickly found himself returning to his abolitionist roots.

“He’s—OK, yeah I’ll tell them—he’s saying the law is the mechanism by which the ruling class keeps all other classes in a disadvantaged position,” translated bird whisperer Marty Reyes, 56. “Barry also says U.S. capitalism and the numerically small capitalist class developed on the basis of the theft of—wait, hold on. OK. OK, yeah. Now he’s saying ‘me want seed.’”

After the incident with Officer Dudley, Barry returned to his perch, allowing safe passage for all Chicagoans except for, in his words, “fucking pigs.” Genius reporters later received word that the red-winged blackbird had taken to instagram, commenting on another cop’s wedding anniversary post “I’m going to fuck your wife.”

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