AVONDALE—Despite the fact that his veins course with the hot blood of medieval Europe’s most formidable shock cavalrymen, sources report that local son of the Polish winged hussars Gerry Cheblowski, 25, has fallen in battle following his decision to eat a fourth Pączki on March 1st.
“Ooh man, I really shouldn’t have eaten that custard-filled one,” said Cheblowski as though he is not the heir to a storied tradition of horsemanship and bravery dating back to the 16th century. Although he would have been expected to bear his wrongful exile from the Balkan peninsula with stoicism not 5 short centuries earlier, Cheblowski then insisted he “needed a minute” and thought he “was going to yark” all over Milwaukee Ave.
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“I told you to pace yourself,” said Cheblowski’s girlfriend Laura Milargo, 26, not knowing that on the eve of the Battle of Kircholm, the brave hussars from whom her boyfriend draws his lineage ate these sugary confections by the fistfuls while boasting about how many Swedes they planned to gut with their deadly szable and patting their pączki-filled stomachs to exhale deep belly laughs like “bwa-ha-ha!”
Sadly this is not the first time that Cheblowski has proved that he would not be fit to ride forth at the point of a speartip to trample the Ottoman Turk under the thundering hooves of his mighty destrier.
His job (media associate) is very un-hussar. His ability to speak Polish (none) is also very un-hussar. And his ability to tolerate a variety of large, stinky sausages with fried onions on the side is absolutely about the most un-hussar thing you could possibly imagine outside of not being from Poland in the first place at all.
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Worst of all however, is that Cheblowski has never even attempted to visit the Polish Museum of America despite living several blocks away from it the entire time he has lived in Chicago, which makes his proud, proud ancestors the winged hussars cry big, fat, juicy tears that roll directly down their jubilant Slavic cheeks and onto the beautiful eagle plumes of their wings while they bellow “a BLOO BLOO BLA BLOO” at their descendent’s disrespect towards his lineage and inability to eat several dozen pączkis in one sitting.
As of press time, a visibly sweating Cheblowski was seen frantically googling “Whole Foods bathroom.”
