LINCOLN PARK — In a landmark decision by the city, Chicago bike lines are scheduled to be converted into dual-purpose slush and dog piss lanes this week.
“Chicagoans have made it clear that there is a need here, clearly, for more space to be allotted for dirty wet snow and neon yellow dog piss,” said city official Kara Freman, 34. “So we started looking around for a place where we could make that work. Bike lanes seemed like the natural starting place. They’ll be back and ready for cyclists to use after the thaw, but the only people using them this time of year were kind of weird, so we don’t feel bad discouraging their bicycle habits for the moment.”
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While the logistics of converting the lanes into havens for dog urine and wet, wet snow proved a bit of a challenge, Freman is confident that canine and slush owners all across the city will find it worth the hassle.
“We put a lot of cones up everywhere. At first all the dogs were pissing on those, so that was kind of a wires-crossed moment. But then we put up less cones and more big, laminated signs, and the dogs weren’t as interested in marking those. Big win for Kara!” After a few days of the program in a test neighborhood, the signage was no longer needed, as the area’s signature yellow-and-grey signs of use began to advertise itself.
“I love it, man,” said little dog owner Matt Andrews, 45. “My number one problem with my small dog in the winter is she doesn’t have enough places to pee. Like we’ll walk miles and miles and she won’t have anything to sniff or inspire her to lift her weird little shaved leg. But she loves this new lane.”
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Slush owners, too, were enjoying the new area for their disgusting piles of melting filth. “He loves room to spread out,” smiled Portia Gerr, 25, referencing her slush pile Evan. “So this is a great public service for him.”
“I don’t see anything going wrong in this lane,” said Freman, confidently pacing down the area of pissing dogs and rapidly-blackening slush in thigh-high waders. “There’s a factory downstream of here with chemicals that are highly combustible when exposed to a deadly cocktail of animal urine and melted road snow, but that’s actually unrelated to our lanes. Why did I even bring that up? Shut up, Kara! Stupid!”
At press time, undeterred winter bikers were seen in the newly converted lane, navigating through the mass of terriers and snowy pulp on their way to work.
