Cases of People Talking Way Too Loud About Cryptocurrency up 1000% As Barstool Sports Bar Opens in River North

January 12, 2022

RIVER NORTH — The Chicago Department of Public Health issued an urgent report this week warning Chicagoans that cases of people talking way too loudly about cryptocurrency were on a nearly exponential rise since the opening of the Barstool Sports Bar. The bar, an “IRL” hangout for “stoolies,” the fans of the sport entertainment site, opened this past weekend despite warnings that a surge in interest in cryptocurrency would make it a frequently-screamed topic of conversation at the bar.

“Frankly, this is very irresponsible timing. Opening a giant bar in the middle of a pandemic is one thing,” said Dr. Virgil Gustoffsen, 64, an expert in airborne annoying conversations working with Chicago Department of Public Health, “but to create a space where bros can talk about cryptocurrency, NFTs and online sports betting at the height of their popularity is unconscionable!”

According to patrons and staff at the bar, opening weekend saw numerous cases of people giving long-winded, full volume explanations of cryptocurrency to dates, friends, and any stranger who would listen.

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“Oh yeah, there were a lot of guys in here yelling over each other about how great crypto is all weekend,” said Tiffani Carter, 26, a server at Barstool, “the stoolies get really fired up about topics like crypto, sports, and age of consent laws. They always end up yelling even though they agree with each other.”

“Bars like Barstool are a petri dish for behavior like this to spread,” said Dr. Gustoffsen, “there’s loud music, alcohol, trying to seem cool in front of your boys or your date. So you’re going to have young men who are really energized and can’t modulate the volume of their voices as they tell you which NFT of a monkey smoking a joint is the best value.”

“I just hope the city intervenes before someone gets hurt, this is how crypto-focused podcasts are created.”

Since the bar opened in River North this past weekend, businesses in the area have been quick to try and protect their shoppers and staff as crowds flock to the bar based on a website.

“I don’t mind the extra business,” said Daniel Alvi, 46, owner of a nearby 7-Eleven store, “but the moment one of them asks if I take dogecoin, I chase them out.”

We still don’t know how many people were exposed to irritatingly loud conversations about crypto last weekend, but with new variants of increasingly horrible looking NFTs appearing online everyday, the Chicago Department of Public Health advises caution around the River North bar area. They also suggest covering your drink if you go to the bathroom, a lot of the dudes in there are pretty sketchy.

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