THE LOOP — Despite many Americans’ hopes that Congress will approve a larger, $2,000 stimulus check, Chicago’s top financial advisors are insisting that the average citizen keep their expectations low. In particular, financiers the city over are urging Chicagoans to invest in a pair of thick-soled leather boots, “for the road will be hard and unforgiving.”
“The time for frivolity has passed,” said investment banker William Freeman, 45, in a deep rumbling voice. “For years we have spent freely on sandwiches with chicken tenders and mozzarella sticks on top of them, or crafted beers, or reheated bagel sandwiches underneath the Belmont station. The time for these is done. The road will be hard, and only thick-soled boots will help you walk it. You will eat humble foods, not ‘Oak Pork BLTs’ or ‘Tenderizers’ from Cheesie’s Pub & Grub.”
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When asked to elaborate on what he meant, Freeman scratched his beard and looked off into the distance. “Even if we told you, it would not matter. None may stop what’s coming.”
Strikingly, other financial analysts in the city echoed Freeman’s statements. “Refinancing your home, managing your investments,” explained mortgage officer Leah Brown, 38, “these things will not save you. There is no bargaining with what is coming. That’s why we’re encouraging everyone to invest their stimulus checks in thick, sturdy boots—made of Horween leather if you want to buy local—that will last you for a long time. A long, long time.”
A Morningstar executive whipping his bare back raw with a cat o’nine tails outside Block 37, 54, agreed with these sentiments. “On the road of weeping, all will be washed away,” he bellowed, flecks of spittle flying from his chapped lips. “Those of us who survive the crucible will be born again, but this blessing won’t be granted to the frail and the weak. We must stiffen our souls for what is to come, and walk with humility.”
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“It will not be easy,” he said, entering a reverie. “I am weak and venal, but I shall be reborn.”
As of press time, many of the city’s millennials were heard asking whether or not Doc Martens were technically considered “good boots.”
