Chicago Cultural Center Develops Yeast Infection

September 28, 2021

DOWNTOWN — In an uncomfortable but perfectly normal development, the Chicago Cultural Center has developed an overgrowth of its natural yeast, leading to an infection.

“This happens to a lot of historic buildings at least once or twice,” said architectural gynecologist Val Deferens, MD. Deferens, 52, is no stranger to changes in cultural levels in certain structures. “Some of these spots get a lot of buzz, a few new events that come through without a break, and that’s when a build-up starts happening.” Landmarks such as the Covina Towers and the Hancock Tower have suffered similar ailments, briefly closing for a few days before allowing the public to return inside after localized itching in the atrium abated.

Though the condition might seem like it appeared out of nowhere, a few warning signs can forecast its arrival. “A tell-tale sign is chunky white discharge,” noted Deferens. “Which is my term for when building security has to eject a group of Irish bodybuilders after they get too rowdy by the Civil War memorial. Also, vaginal itching.”

Perhaps surprising is how long the Center staved off a yeast-related episode, considering its commitment to cultivating and developing culture in any shape and form. “Too many art exhibits this month, maybe,” speculated program director Angelo von Kelsh, 35. “And then of course there were all the cross-cultural exhibits, examining how nuanced perspectives have shaped our city. Of course there was build-up after that.”

Thankfully, the infection was caught early, allowing Dr. Deferens to treat the issue quickly. “No one’s coming in for a few days,” Deferens remarked. “And we’ve inserted Monistat antifungal cream into the Tiffany glass dome. That should do the trick.”

Despite a job well done, Deferens’ day was far from over. “There’s always more to do,” she said with a tired sigh, packing up her case and heading for the door. “There’s a brown line car with undetected HPV, and we need to stop it before it hits Merch Mart.”

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