EDGEWATER—In a public safety warning, Chicago City Health Officials are warning that the snowy and cold weather conditions of the past few weeks only make it easier to slide on an icy sidewalk into a romantic open mouth kiss with a handsome stranger.
“I know everyone’s getting tired of all the rules, but it’s critical for Chicagoans to keep their guard up,” announced spokesperson Dr. Kyle Rubinson, 58. “Even when folks have masks on while they’re walking outside, they often wear them in such a way where noses are exposed or the straps are loose, making it all-too-easy for the movement of a slip-slide to jostle the material below the mouth to allow for a sensuous yet unplanned smooch.”
Early research about the kissing phenomenon has been helped by the openness of those affected, who have shared their experiences with scientists. “You never think it’s going to happen to you,” said research subject Katie Port, 27. “I was just walking along with my groceries and then lost my footing on a patch of ice outside my apartment building, and next thing I know I’m locking lips with the cutest guy I’ve ever seen. And he even caught all of my falling groceries like Peter Parker does with his lunch tray in Spider-Man.”
The handsome stranger, Lee Alvarez, 25, added that he found Port clumsy “in an adorable way” and that they were planning on moving in together as soon as possible. “Want to know the craziest part?” Port added, grinning in an approachable and infectious manner. “He lives in my building! He’s in the apartment above me and we never met until now. I always had a hunch that the person who lived there would be a romantic like me, though. Talk about kismet!”
Health Officials are begging Chicago residents to preempt avoidable situations like this by heavily sanding their sidewalks and securely tying face coverings before leaving their residences. “This was a preventable tragedy,” said Rubinson, shaking his head as Port and Alvarez cooked a romantic steak dinner together in Port’s cluttered-yet-cozy one-bedroom. “I only hope people get a reality check from this story. I mean, we’re ten months in, and we’re still hearing about charming first encounters like this. Left unchecked, the spread of meet-cutes could hit Chicago harder than we’ve ever seen.”