THE LOOP — In a rapid but not altogether unsurprising escalation, the Chicago Public School system has expanded from underpaying teachers to killing teachers.
Referencing the distress of Chicago teachers at being forced back to school, CPS official Kelly Longstrenth, 45, offered little sympathy. “It’s all about extremes with these people,” she announced from her home office space. “First they want to be paid a living wage, then they want to do their jobs without contracting a virus. What’s next, they want to live on Neptune without being frozen and whipped to death by supersonic winds? We all want to know what it would feel like to experience Neptune’s lower troposphere, okay, but some of us live in the real world, where all our dreams don’t come true. Anyway, if they don’t go in their kids don’t get healthcare, so.”
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For some parents, the need for kids to receive in-person learning outweighs the risks posed to teachers. “I think every parent is at a breaking point,” said mother Janine Puelle, 50. “My fellow moms will understand me when I say that I’m okay with up to five people dying in order for Jason to dissect a frog in a physical classroom this year. Preferably before March.”
The lack of support for parents in regards to virtual learning has built up frustration and resentment, feelings CPS officials are more than happy to direct towards the teaching staff of its schools. “Them not going in to teach is basically them saying ‘We think your kids are annoying and don’t want to teach them about the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire anymore,’” said Longstrenth in an email to parents. “I thought people came to education because they loved teaching, but turns out they love not dying more? Seems a little strange to me...what do you guys think?”
Despite strong outcry from the Chicago Teachers Union at being strong-armed back into classrooms, CPS has joined with the Mayor’s office to push in-person learning into effect.
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Stating “it wasn’t their problem,” the Mayor’s office has remained steadfast in their decision to keep schools open, despite rising coronavirus cases throughout the state and the discovery of a more contagious strain, explaining that they’ve got “just the guy” to sell all the desks, chairs and fixtures to after the schools inevitably close again when everyone inside them dies.
