Chicago Style Heat Wave: Chicagoans Announce Junk Feels Like Wet Italian Beef

July 22, 2022

CHICAGO — As temperatures continue to climb, Chicagoland is feeling the burn. But in the city of broad shoulders, we have our own way of doing things, and whether it’s making pizza extra deep or music extra house, we always put our own Chi-spin! That’s why Chicagaons are facing the heat with sweaty junk that feels like our famous wet Italian beef!

“It’s so hot, my junk feels like a mound of thinly sliced roast beef that’s been left to simmer in its own au jus,” said a source who asked to remain anonymous due to the graphic descriptions they gave us of their genitals. “I mean, if you put my junk on a french bread roll right now it would easily saturate the bread, turning the whole thing into a sopping wet sandwich that barely stays together in your hands.”


“Christ, it’s like there’s a Portillos in my pants and it’s lunch rush,” said another Chicagoan who assured us their junk was in no way associated with the popular local chain. “I can almost feel a slosh when I sit down, like a friendly counter worker has just spooned extra drippings over my junk for a customer who requested an Italian beef ‘drowned.’”

“My shit’s wrecked, man,” said a Chicagaon we spoke to walking downtown, “absolutely dipped and drenched in hot peppers, metaphorically. When I take off these pants I’m going to have to peel them off like they’re that foil paper they use to keep all the juice from leaking out.”

Some Chicagoans, however, are handling the heat a little better than others. 


“I feel great today,” said one Chicagoan, showing off a pair of breezy shorts. “My weenie feels like it’s been ‘dragged through the garden,’ if you know what I mean.” 

When asked what they meant, the Chicagoan just winked and walked away, but not before we noticed mustard running down their leg. Stay cool out there, Chicago!

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