CHICAGO — Although nationwide COVID deaths have recently topped half a million, there’s a small bit of good news for Cook County residents as the city of Chicago has decided to treat itself to a 15% increase in indoor dining capacity as a reward for being so good, raising the amount of Chicagoans allowed to eat inside to 40%.
“Oh now well I know I probably shouldn’t,” said the 2.7-million-person metropole, 241, “but I’ve just been so good with this whole coronavirus thing so I think I deserve a little reward, don’t you? Plus springtime is just around the corner and I want to have fun!”
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It’s still months before vaccines will be widely available to the average Chicagoan, but the city defended its choice by saying it “needed to cut loose” and was “always following the rules,” even when they didn’t let it be true to itself, which “my life coach says is really important to my spiritual development.”
“After that stupid old fire—which happened like a million years ago—didn’t I pass an ordinance that said I couldn’t build any more wood frame buildings?” the city asked, pouting. “Even though I really wanted to? And like, I didn’t have to cancel my dye appointment last March when this was beginning to be more of a problem, but I did anyway. I didn’t get to be funky at all in 2020. I’m a total freaknik for the rules, every other city in Illinois is always saying it.”
“I’ve only gotten to host two World’s Fairs,” it continued. “It’s so unfair. No one ever lets me have any fun.”
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Although coronavirus cases are still averaging around 250 a day, Chicago insists this is no big deal and that it’s getting around to vaccinating everyone.
“One in nine Chicagoans has their first dose of the vaccine,” the city said. “That’s 11%, which is basically 15%, so I’m actually being super responsible by doing this. Actually, since I’m almost on track to get 31% of eligible Chicagoans vaccinated by the end of the week,” Chicago said, mistaking “eligible Chicagoans” for all Chicagoans, “maybe I deserve a little more of a treat!”
“Let’s be bad—I’m officially calling 2021 as my time to enter the freak zone,” the city announced while considering an additional 25% increase to outdoor dining as a result of this news.
