Conscientious Riot Cop Struggling To Practice Appropriate Social Distancing During Protests

EAST GARFIELD PARK—Following several weeks’ worth of protests all throughout the city in solidarity with similar actions occurring due to the murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis Police Department, CPD officer Trina Meloni, 34 has broken The Blue Wall of Silence in order to admit that she struggles to maintain appropriate social distancing while acting in contravention to the popular will of the people.

“It’s just so hard to maintain all these COVID-19 precautions when my job puts me in close quarters with so many large crowds,” she said. “I’d like to spend the recommended two weeks in self-isolation after every time I violently oppress unarmed protesters, but unfortunately that’s just not in the cards.”

“If I was able to use rubber bullets or live ammo in my capacity as an armed enforcer for the 1%, I wouldn’t be sweating this,” she added as she used a Lysol wipe to disinfect her riot gear. “But as it stands, even with my face shield I don’t feel super safe kettling a big group of protesters and knocking down the smallest one I can find so that my bigger coworkers have an easier time stepping on their hands, stomachs and faces as we advance.”

Sadly for Officer Meloni, many cop-focused resources she usually turns to haven’t been as focused on maintaining appropriate social distancing as she would like. 

“A lot of the cop facebook groups I frequent have had a lot of great tips on how to maximize the distance on a thrown tear gas canister when walking up stairs makes you winded and how to convincingly write ‘FUCK PIGS’ on your venti latte so it looks like you’re part of a harried minority,” she said, “but no one really seems concerned about the risks involved with interacting with so many people at the same time.”

“I tried to suggest the development of a six foot long nightstick we could use to subdue protestors while maintaining social distancing,” she continued, “but it got buried under a bunch of posts explaining the right amount of ipecac to put in your McFlurry so it looks like the McDonald’s employees poisoned you.”

As to whether or not Meloni’s search for the right balance between doing her job and keeping herself safe from the continuing COVID-19 pandemic is a solitary one, the jury’s still out. When other members of Meloni’s precinct were approached for comment, they turned off their body cameras and told The Chicago Genius Herald reporters to “keep walking unless you want to pick your fucking teeth out of the pavement you little freaks.”

Want the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox? Sign up below.