LINCOLN PARK — As DePaul University wraps up their spring semester and prepares for a return to in-person learning, the private Catholic university has announced that new and returning students must be vaccinated to attend classes on the university’s northside campus. Additionally, DePaul has mandated that though students are not required to be Catholic to attend the 2021-2022 semesters, they must at least agree Pope Francis “seems nice.”
“Safety of the students is a top priority for DePaul,” said Marsha Greene, 58, the head of DePaul’s Health & Wellness services, “receiving the vaccine is an important requirement to keep this campus safe from the spread of COVID-19. Also, it wouldn’t hurt the students to just agree that Pope Francis looks like a sweet old man who would give out homemade Argentinian alfajores.”
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The prestigious University, which hosts more than twenty thousand students annually, had previously this month said it would not require vaccinations, but changed its policy after remembering how gross college kids are. The caveat, however, that students must at least agree the Pope seems “kind, nice, chill, good, rad, neat, or another positive view approved by your student advisor” marks the first time in the modern era the University has made a step to mandate Catholicism.
“I want to be very clear that all are still welcome at DePaul,” said Dr. A. Gabriel Esteban, President of DePaul. “We’re not asking anyone to convert to Catholicism, just to agree that the Pope seems like a fun guy. You certainly don’t need to believe in his infallibility, but just agree that if you saw him on the street, you’d feel the way you would if you saw a famous character actor. Like an Oliver Platt.”
“Yeah, I guess I’m fine with vaccines being mandatory,” said Todd Olsenson, 19, an incoming sophomore at DePaul. “I missed out on my whole first year of college so if all it takes for me to be able to get out of my parent’s house is a couple of shots and to agree an old virgin who wears capes everywhere is ‘cool,’ I guess sign me up.”
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Pope Francis, 84, who’s served as the head of the Catholic church since 2013, has represented a progressive shift in the church by allowing women in the clergy and acknowledging that LGBTQ Catholics might exist. One time, as DePaul officials were quick to remind this Chicago Genius Herald reporter, he watched some break dancers and smiled.
“Yeah, I guess that was pretty cute,” said Cassandra Wei, 21, a senior at DePaul, of the moment when an old man watched a Hungarian break dance troupe dance in front of his throne. “He’s kind of flip-flopped on some social issues that are pretty important to me, but I guess I don’t really have a choice if I want to finish my degree. He kind of looks like the guy that played Keira Knightley’s dad in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.”
“Jonathan Pryce!” said Dr. Esteban, when we showed him on our phone later, “That’s the character actor his eminence reminds me of!”
