SOLDIER FIELD — In what’s sure to come as a surprise to everyone, including the man himself, it appears that despite everything, Chicago Bears quarterback Mitch Trubisky is technically in the history books due to his achieving 10,000 passing yards and 1,000 yards rushing in 49 games, faster than any Bears QB in history.
“Fuck me if I know how he did it,” fumed Bears head coach Matt Nagy. “Could have fooled me, the way he plays. Guy never met an interception he didn’t like and now all of a sudden everyone’s going completely apeshit over this 10,000 passing yards thing. Was he throwing 1,000 yard passes when I wasn’t looking? He must’ve been because I don’t know how else to explain it!”
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“Christ!” added Nagy as he watched Trubisky throw an absolute dud of an incomplete pass to Bears wide receiver Allen Robinson during a practice. “Fuck! Shit! Goddamn it!”
Trubisky’s teammates as well were stunned and surprised at their QB’s historic achievement.
“I mean, he’s behind me for the most part so I don’t really get to see what he’s doing,” admitted Bears defensive tackle Akiem Hicks, “but you could have quoted me any number of passing yards and I would have believed you.”
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“I mean I guess that’s not true—10,000 would have seemed high to me,” the 6’4” defensive lineman added while thoughtfully swirling his dixie cup of Gatorade. “But if you’d told me he’d completed like...five passing yards I would have gone, ‘wow, that many, huh!’ Anyhow, good for him, but I’ve got to get back to drills.”
The fans, however, are elated. “I’ve yet to miss a game since Trubisky started,” said Josie Quistis, 34, “but I must have missed the lion’s share of these passing yards. Doesn’t seem like he did that many, but I did miss some plays on account of having to blink or fill back up on Old Style.”
“Best QB since [Jay] Cutler!” added her friend, who identified himself only as ‘Scooter’ and who stumbled away before The Chicago Genius Herald could corroborate whether that was meant pejoratively or not.
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For his part, it seems like Trubisky himself isn’t letting the accolades go to his head. “At my current rate,” he told us, “I’m on track to double these stats in just 98 games played, but I might sandbag that a little to get it to an even 100. I’m not sure yet. Anyway, watch me blow this pass—Nagy’s going to go completely apeshit when I do. It’s super funny.”
