In a series of ads running nearly non-stop online and on television, DraftKings, the popular fantasy sports app, announced the launch of their first sportsbook betting app for the Illinois market. The app, which allows online sports betting through the Casino Queen riverboat casino, is offering new players $1000 starting credit and an ability to link their account directly to their kids’ college funds.
“We know that a lot of people have been missing sports this year,” said Jeremy Waterson, 32, DraftKings' Illinois marketing director, “and feeling a strange emptiness, a light tingle at the back of their skulls when they can’t feel the rush of betting their childrens’ futures on games of chance. We’re here to help.”
The new sportsbook, which would allow bets on all major sporting events and some secret underground bloodsports, will soon be available on any mobile device, and will feature numerous ways to connect directly to the money you put away to invest in your childrens’ education.
“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere!” continued Waterson, “on the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you. With so many options to play you’ll be wondering ‘I wonder if my son would notice if I took all the cash out of his piggy-bank?’”
“We launched DraftKings Sportsbook New Jersey early this year and immediately had users asking, begging, us for a way to tap into whatever savings they had left,” said Billy “Party Rob” Carver, 25, vice president of Draftkings customer service, “week one we had someone trying to email us a JPEG of two jetskis. It immediately became clear that we needed a method for users to really commit to big, insanely risky bets that could ruin their relationship with their family irreconcilably.”
As the new service launches across Illinois, advertising promoting the excitement and even nostalgia of sports betting have launched around the state, with posters, billboards, and commercials inviting players to “feel the thrill of sports” and “it’s not like he was going to grow up to be a doctor.”
“After being cooped-up for so long, people are looking forward to the fun and excitement of live sports, and the money that can be made or lost betting on them.” said Waterson, “We here at DraftKings are hoping to give people the excitement of victory and the soul-hollowing despair of looking into your child’s eyes and saying ‘I’m sorry, I thought the Bengals were a sure thing.”