Elves Released From Dinkel’s Bakery

May 3, 2022

ROSCOE VILLAGE — After 100 years of providing delicious cakes, donuts, and more to the Roscoe Village area, famed German bakery Dinkel’s closed its fragrant doors for the last time this past weekend. Sources visiting the bakery on its final day also witnessed the elves that secretly made all of Dinkel’s confections being released into the north side neighborhood.

“We loved Dinkel’s, so we had no problem waiting in line for one last paczki,” said Tom Corn, 37, an optometrist, “but suddenly this whole mob of tiny people in colorful outfits ran out the door and scattered around Lincoln Ave. They were all giggling and tossing handfuls of sprinkles, it was super cute, but definitely had me and my wife wondering ‘who were they?’ Not…slaves, right?’”

The Dinklings, the tiny, fey creatures seen running out of the bakery, have reportedly been responsible for the delicious baked goods Dinkel’s was famous for since the location opened in 1922. According to sources within the bakery, the Dinklings love to sing and dance and bake and give each other little kisses. Dinkel’s assured us that—despite how it might look—the Dinklings benefited from their long relationship with the bakery.

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“The Dinklings came to my great grandfather in the 1920s, fleeing from their ancient foes the Stinklings.” said Norman Dinkel, the current owner of the bakery and caretaker for the Dinklings. “So he helped them out, offering them work in his bakery and tracking down the Stinklings and killing them with a hammer. After that they vowed to work for the bakery for 100 years, no more, no less. Standard fairytale-style deal, pretty boiler-plate.”

“We thank the Dinkel family for all they’ve done for us,” said Prince Winkle-Krinkle, heir to the candy throne, “but now it time for us to return to Dinkland, a land of sugar and bright colors, where the water is as sweet as honey wine and the air smells of caramel. It is in what you call ‘Virginia.’”

While many of the Dinklings are returning to Dinkland, some have plans to remain in Chicagoland for now.

“We love the Roscoe Village community,” said Pinkle-Twinkle, a Dinkling who plans on living in nearby Hamlin Park under a mushroom-covered stump. “Plus I’m not leaving Chicago till I see how my beloved Cubbies do this season. I think I might be addicted to sports betting! Tee hee!”
With Dinkel’s closed and the Dinklings released, Chicago is certainly less sweet. We here and Chicago Genius Herald salute Dinkel’s for 100 years of quality, and if any of the Dinklings are aspiring journalists, we’d happily kill your foes for 100 years of help. Running a paper is a lot of work.

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