MICHIGAN AVE — In an unprecedented act of celebration (we hope), the golden cork has been popped off the top of downtown Chicago’s famous Carbide & Carbon Building Friday.
“We’re going to go ahead and assume this is cause to feel good and let our hair down,” said architecture specialist Marv Financier, 65, “Because the alternatives feel scary to think about, especially right after breakfast.” Built in 1929, the Carbide & Carbon Building has remained tightly corked for the past ninety years, with its gold leaf top staying tightly sealed through a myriad of Chicago victories, including the ‘63 opening of O’Hare and the 2016 World Series win. Why the building was popped now, however, remains shrouded in mystery.
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“Maybe the building is celebrating a personal victory, like finishing a screenplay or doing 30 days of yoga,” said Financier in a last-minute press conference on the shore of the lake, shrugging. “Maybe it was getting hot and wanted to take its hat off and cool down. The fact is, there are a lot of unknowns in the equation.”
“The cork’s flight has lent credence to rumors of intense pressure built up in the upper floors of the building, long dismissed as altitude stupidity. “I would go up there on my lunch break sometimes and feel like my head was going to pop open,” said security guard John Matthews, 29. “Management told me I was just being weird and random, but today’s happenings make me more likely to trust my barometric readings, which listed 90-100 pounds of pressure per square inch.”
“So wow! What other kinds of cork stuff are my bosses lying to me about?” Matthews mused.
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The cork, gently drifting a mile off Montrose Beach, offers little enlightenment about its sudden and meteoric removal from the building it long stood atop. The one guy taken on its flight may be able to offer more context, if we can figure out how to stop him from drowning. More to come!
