RAVENSWOOD — As scientific research expeditions worldwide are cancelled and funding for exploration dries up in the failing global economy, some good news emerged for the scientific community Monday: Ravenswood residents Sophia LaGrange, 26, and Cameron White, 28, announced to press via teleconference Wednesday that they are planning an extensive expedition outside to nearby Winnemac Park, with the support of the National Geographic Society and other international research organizations.
The pair greeted press wearing N95 respiratory masks, as well as scarves tightly wrapped around their faces in preparation for the voyage. Representatives from the expedition’s sponsors were also in attendance, and LaGrange began the conference by introducing these groups. “We’re so lucky that National Geographic has joined our team for this trip, as well as the Scientific Exploration Society and the Mount Everest Foundation,” White yelled through the many layers of cloth covering his mouth. “We couldn’t be more grateful to these scientific and adventuring communities.”
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The two intrepid explorers and their sponsors then detailed their research goals for the Winnemac expedition, explaining that they would primarily focus on “what it’s like outside” and “what fresh air feels like,” with extensive photography planned for wildlife and flora in the three-square block area of the park adjoining Amundsen High School. “I remember there was a dead pigeon in the alley, and I definitely want to see what’s up with that,” White yelled excitedly. The expedition will circle the high school and the park, covering approximately 0.75 miles of trail. “If it’s too rough, we have precautions in place,” LaGrange stressed. “We’ll cut right through the football field and back home. And if people get too close, well…“ At this point Lagrange grimly brandished a long air-powered tranquilizer rifle. “The SES gave us the Social Distancer here.”
LaGrange and White shared that they have been preparing and gathering equipment for the trip since Illinois’ shelter-in-place order took effect last week. “We don’t know what to prepare for; we haven’t been outside in days,” White admitted, frowning at the sunny park clearly visible from their third-story apartment. “The forecast says it’s going to be in the sixties this week, but we’re not sure if we can trust that. I guess it’s spring now? Did that happen while we were inside?” To be safe, the expedition plans to take heavy winter coats and snow boots furnished by the Mount Everest Foundation (which has cancelled all of its expedition funding for Everest for the 2020 climbing season). When pressed on the financial strain this journey might have on the scientific community, Lagrange assured reporters that they also plan to take some backpacking supplies from LaGrange’s attempt at hiking the Appalachian Trail two years earlier and “an old camp chair from before Cameron had real furniture.”
LaGrange predicted that the expedition would still be difficult, despite the outpouring of support they have received. “National Geographic has generously offered to sponsor our Imperfect Produce subscription, but our order was delayed this week, so we’re going to be really roughing it out there. Oh, Cameron, we should bring that new salsa you got at Mariano’s, just in case.”
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The expedition is still set to depart from the front gate of the pair’s Leavitt St. apartment building early Wednesday, despite the constantly-evolving COVID-19 situation and apparent fluctuations in team morale. “You know, maybe we shouldn’t,” White argued as the press conference ended. “Do we need to go outside that badly? Maybe let’s just open a window.” As the expedition responds to these conditions, The Chicago Genius Herald will continue to follow any new developments, and our staff wishes the Lagrange-White team the best.
