STARBUCKS RESERVE ROASTERY — At the tail end of a catastrophic year, Starbucks and the Novel Coronavirus have partnered up to spread holiday cheer throughout Chicago by delivering swift and brutal killing blows to half of the city’s restaurants.
“My favorite part of Chicago? Right where we’re standing,” announced Starbucks VP of Sales Kenneth Chast, 45, from the top floor of the five-story Chicago Roastery on Michigan Ave. “I go to my hotel for a night, I come here to give dead-eyed smiles to 19-year-old baristas, then I get an Uber to O’Hare. That’s all I know about Chicago, and that’s why I was happy to partner with the mayor to celebrate the heart and soul of this great town by assassinating local restaurants that don’t sell as many blonde espressos.”
The plan, as laid out in a sleek white-and-green slideshow projected on the side of Merchandise Mart, is simple and effective. By destroying these local restaurants through inaction and bureaucratic incompetence, Starbucks and other large chains will be able to assimilate seamlessly into the hollowed-out corpses of smaller businesses done in by the pandemic. “You know how you’d walk by a corner store for a few weeks and then it would turn into a Dollop overnight?” Chast said, leadingly. “Well this will be like that except forget Dollop, Dollop is small potatoes, we’re going to bury Dollop ten feet into the dirt. We’re going to do it with—get this—with Starbucks stores. And then we’re going to walk Dollop’s owner around the store in a dog collar.”
Despite the brutal strategum to ring in 2021 with a bloodbath, Chast is confident Chicagoans will love all the benefits the upcoming expansion will have to offer. “Maybe at your old favorite restaurant, you could order a slice of pie with your coffee,” he said. “We hear you! At Starbucks, you’ll be able to order a scone or a cage-free egg white sandwich with your coffee. And you’ll like it, and forget all about that other place.” Other brainstorms in the incubator stage include replacing the loss of local restaurants and bars by serving little lattes instead of hot dogs and little cappuccinos instead of alcohol.
Mayor Lightfoot approved the plan, adding “What are you going to do, not go to Starbucks? That’s all there is anymore!” Based on the success of this project, she and Starbucks are planning to partner up by filling vacant schools with fast-casual coffee storefronts in the next quarter. “Change is good,” Chast said, hopping into an Uber Black on his way back to Seattle. “And no one can innovate like a multinational chain.”