Lightfoot Urges Chicagoans To Get Vaccinated, Somehow

CITY HALL — As eligibility for the vaccine grows in Chicago, while available doses remain scarce, Mayor Lori Lightfoot and Chicago Department of Public Health officials are urging Chicagoans to get the vaccine as soon as possible, somehow.

“Look, case numbers are rising again for some unknown reason” said Lightfoot, who in the past months has eased COVID restrictions for Chicago bars, restaurants, schools, and other businesses. “And our only way out of this at this point is to get everyone the vaccine. Not my problem how you get it. That is why I’m urging every Chicagoan to ‘figure it out’”.

Lightfoot continued, saying that you should get the vaccine even if you have to go to a place that rhymes with “Shnaperville” to get it.

“I get online at 5 a.m. every morning to look for new appointments with no success” said Jael Delacruz, 45. “This morning I was on the Walgreens site and it said there were appointments, but when I clicked on my local branch it just sent me to the video of Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up. They got me good. Anyways, I hope I don’t die.”

As Chicago city officials petition the federal government for more doses, some citizens are taking matters into their own hands.

“I heard kissing someone who already has the vaccine will transfer the vaccination.” said Sam Cunningham, 24 of Wrigleyville, who has already received two doses.
After our interview with him, this Chicago Genius Herald reporter ended up kissing Sam for a long time and now we’re ready to visit our parents in Wisconsin.

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