CHICAGO — With California projected to soon sink into the Pacific Ocean and Florida turning into a respite for mosquito-kissing bigots, the people of this great country needed a new amusement park, and fast. Thus, Chicagoland was born. The tourism board of the city found it easy to convert a series of abandoned Bubba Gumps in Glenview into the site for the newest theme park attraction in the Midwest.
“Luckily for us, all the local cuisine of this city is already marketable as weird amusement park food,” Olivia Dalton, 53, a member of the Chicagoland Board Of Fun revealed to our reporters. “Our best seller so far is the hot dog wrapped in funnel cake, and seasoned by cigarette ash and L dust.”
When asked about the rides in the park, Dalton was casual with her response.“The Al Capone themed shooting game was a bit too bloody for our core audience of impressionable children, but thankfully the majority of our rides have gotten a lot of appreciation, especially the ones with reckless driving elements.”
Chicagoans are adamant that Chicagoland is a more classic option than the theme park Chicagoworld. “It doesn’t have EPCOT but I prefer the vibe honestly.” Matt Styler, 42, assures our reporters. When we questioned how they could have gotten away with such a blatant copyright infringement, he clarified, “No, it stands for Epic Partying: Chicago On Tap. But a bunch of people got alcohol poisoning, so they had to shut it down.”
More people chimed in when asked why Chicagoland was superior to its worldly counterpart. “It’s a lot more intimate and has more home-town charm.” Ming Wei, 23, revealed. “At first, moving from Wilmette, I thought Chicagoland was just a phrase that no one really used, but it's a real thing.”
To incentivize patronage, the CTA issued Ventra FastPasses for elite members. However, they still can’t guarantee wait times shorter than 28 minutes during peak hours.