Loretto Hospital CEO Apologies to Lightfoot with Bouquet of Vaccines

CITY HALL — After numerous accusations that Loretto Hospital has been providing vaccines to wealthy suburban donors, the Trump tower staff, and their crushes, the West Side hospital is under fire from city officials who have threatened to reduce vaccine supplies till Loretto can prove it’s following the vaccine distribution plan. In an effort to smooth public relations, hospital administrators have reportedly sent Mayor Lori Lightfoot a bouquet of vaccine doses, several tasteful flowers and a note.

Dr. Anosh Ahmed, COO of Loretto Hospital, is reportedly behind the gift, which arrived early on Monday. Dr. Ahmed was accused over the weekend of providing early vaccines to employees and friends at Geneva Seal, a luxury watch shop in the Gold Coast neighborhood. Dr. Ahmed has assured critics of the vaccine event that it was within vaccination guidelines, saying “Geneva Seal luxury watch shop is an essential business for the West Side community, because if I’m not wearing a pound of gold and gemstones on my left arm, I cannot practice medicine.”

“It was a matter of time before we saw mishandling of vaccine administration,” said Carolyn Lopez, president of the Chicago Board of Health, “this is Chicago after all and corruption is pretty much everywhere. I took your wallet when we shook hands earlier. Anyway, it was a matter of time before someone started giving out vaccines for political favors or luxury goods, it’s built into the upper class of this city. And no, I’m not giving the wallet back. It’s mine now.”

The bouquet of vaccines, roughly two dozen freshly-picked doses, arrived at Mayor Lightfoot’s office in City Hall with a note apologizing for the misappropriation of vaccines and an encouragement from Loretto Hospital to “hand these out to your friends, but just the rich ones tho ;) !!! [sic]”

In a reversal of earlier threats to reduce or even freeze the supply of vaccines to the hospital till they can prove they’re following the distribution schedule, the Mayor’s office has now suggested Loretto will not be investigated further or penalized. 

“We think this might have just been a classic ‘whoopsie,’” said Vanessa Graves, a spokesperson for the Mayor’s office. “There was clearly just some confusion at Loretto. It’s easy to mistake ‘65 and older’ for ‘650k a year or more’ and technically people in luxury watch repair count as first responders if you call them to your house as much as we all do.” 

Administrators at Loretto have declined to comment, but have encouraged The Chicago Genius Herald to not run this story by sending us a gift basket of “the fun pills” and several bags of “premium blood.” While we declined the offer, we do appreciate the gift, we’re so high right now, and our veins feel great.

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