LINCOLN SQUARE — Despite having developed almost exclusively worse habits and failing to achieve even a modicum of self-betterment during the first 10 months of our nation’s shoddily-enforced COVID-19 lockdown, Lincoln Square’s Bradley Leonas, 29, has announced he’s narrowed down his post-pandemic reinvention options to being an Aikido Guy, a Banjo Guy or a Selvedge Denim Guy.
“It would be really sick to get to wear the big samurai pants at an aikido gym and just get to throw people around,” he said. “Girls love it when you don’t get the wind knocked out of you because you yell ‘KEE-YUP’ really loud when you’re about to hit the ground. But they also love it when you know things about fashion, so being a selvedge denim guy would also be really cool. Plus, The Old Town School of Folk Music is right down the street, and I’ve always considered myself to have a certain Scott Avett charm, so learning how to play the banjo seems like a natural extension of that.”
According to Leonas, these options were chosen not only because of their proximity to his apartment, which he doesn’t plan on moving out of until he’s 42, but also because he felt they provided him the best avenue to kiss women with tongue after the pandemic ended.
“I made a big list,” he said when questioned by The Chicago Genius Herald, “and there were a lot of great options and paths not yet taken. But at the end of the day I didn’t see myself doing those things while only needing to ever be 20 minutes away from my apartment on Gunnison or making out with a girl who I’m going to break up with three months later when she asks if I want to take a trip with her, so ultimately I didn’t think they were worth pursuing.”
Leonas shared that early iterations of his post-COVID reinvention included becoming a Snake Guy, a Knife Guy or an “Aliens Are Real” Guy.
“It worked out for Tom DeLonge, kinda, so that was my thought process on that one,” explained Leonas, “but ultimately I didn’t think girls would want to kiss me if I got really big into aliens without having first been the frontman of a widely popular punk band for 23 years, so that one was right out.”
“Being a Snake Guy made it a little longer, but there aren’t any pet stores near my apartment and I don’t have a car so that one was kind of a wash when I really looked at it objectively,” he added.