Man Vaccinated On Top Half

HERMOSA — After receiving his first dose of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, a local man was relieved to finally be immune to the deadly virus on his top half. 

Earlier this week, Andrew Peters, 54, obtained an appointment at United Center and received the mRNA vaccine. “I was expecting a long wait, so I brought my book about vitamins, but I ended up being in and out in under an hour without even having to pay for parking,” he said. “And now I can rest a lot easier knowing that I am fully vaccinated on my top half.”

“Halfway done!” noted nurse Jackie Evann, 43, while injecting Peters, a sentiment he took and ran with. 

“I’m relieved to know that my top half was shot full of the stuff first,” Peters noted, carefully wiping down his knees and ankles after a quick outdoor stroll. “I want my legs to be safe too of course, but the doctors seemed to think getting the orifice-heavy area done first would be prudent. Fine by me! I’m just happy my hands are safe. I sprained my pinkie last year so the odds it could survive this disease aren’t good. My calves, on the other hand, are like those of a nineteen-year-old. Indestructible. Unbreakable, even, like that Bruce Willis movie.” 

While studies show that both the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are up to 80% effective against COVID-19 after just one shot, Peters isn’t taking any chances. “If I was a betting man, I might give my upper thigh and ass area a little more leeway,” he stated, balling a melon for a casual acquaintance across the hall. “I mean, odds are I’m safe all the way down to my knees, with those numbers. But I’m not in any hurry to take chances these days. Might as well keep double-masking these legs until I get that second pinch in a few weeks.”

While most recipients have taken the medical advice to receive the first shot on their top half, some are flaunting doctor’s orders by injecting the vaccine into their thigh or foot, enshrining their bottom half from disease first. “My legs are everything to me,” said local shorts-wearer Amanda Sun, 62. “I needed them to be safe before my lungs, and I’ll always feel this way.” 

For Peters, though, knowing that his top half is safely vaccinated is enough. Right now, he’s happy to stay home and enjoy his liberated arms, elbows, and hands.

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