NEW YORK, NY — Although the first batches of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine are currently being distributed to frontline workers across the nation, that may be cold comfort to the general populace, who realistically won’t enjoy immunization until May 2021. But there’s good news on the horizon, as Pfizer has recently announced they’re developing an injectable brain parasite to follow the vaccine that makes you forget the pandemic ever happened.
“Great things happen anywhere people come together with one shared goal,” explained Pfizer’s head of research and development Julia Radicchio, 39. “And here at Pfizer, it wasn’t enough to successfully conquer this virus that’s kept us from living our best lives since February—we want to obliterate from our collective memory like it never happened.”
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The parasite, which was found in a meteorite being researched at an arctic research station that went dark back in 2008, is already in human trials and showing promising results.
“As of right now, the brain parasite is successful in eliminating pandemic memories in 47% of test subjects,” said lab tech Alijah West, 35, “and even better, almost 15% of those success cases only required light physical therapy to regain most of their fine motor function!”
Additionally, according to Pfizer internal memos, the brain parasite’s side effects are few and far between. Only 22% of trial participants experience an immediate onset of fatal brain inflammation, 36% lapse into catatonic insanity after screaming about “the eyes” and a scant 9% of those injected with the parasite report something called “catastrophic full body cell lysis.”
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“‘Catastrophic’ is such an overreaction,” said Pfizer CFO Lane Truman, 61. “So you have to live the rest of your life in a mason jar filled with amniotic gel getting nutrient paste squeezed directly onto your still-living brain. Big deal! Isn’t that a risk worth taking in order to forget this pandemic ever happened?”
“Additionally, we’re confident with a few more months we can get that percentage down to about 5%,” added Radicchio as Truman was ushered from the room by multiple, alarmed-looking aides.
One Pfizer employee did tell The Chicago Genius Herald that there was more to this story and that we shouldn’t believe everything we were hearing, but when we followed up with them via our secure tips account, they only responded, “Everything is fine. The parasite is fine. I am fine. I love you.” Seems like a full throated endorsement to us!
