UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — The passage of the $1.9 trillion COVID relief package begs the question from many pundits who are wondering what the average American is going to use their $1400 stimulus checks on. With that still lingering, The Chicago Genius Herald is excited to break the news that everyone is going to use their stimulus to buy $1400 Stefano Ricci Men’s Medium Wash Jeans w/ Eagle Patch from Neiman Marcus.
According to an exhaustive Chicago Genius poll that asked every man, woman and child in America about what they were planning on spending their stimulus check on, 0% said they would spend it on rent, 0% said groceries, 0% said they would be saving it for an unexpected expense and 0% said they would be using it to pay off the Chechen mob/take a family vacation after the pandemic ends, but 100% reported that they would be using the money to buy a crisp pair of Stefano Ricci Men’s Medium Wash Jeans w/ Eagle Patch.
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“This is what we call ‘a perfect storm’ in my line of work,” explained associate professor of Jeaneology Humphrey Gurp, 33. “Any time consumer liquidity perfectly lines up with a beautiful pair of designer jeans, great things are bound to happen.”
It’s easy to see why every American citizen is planning on purchasing a pair of Stefano Ricci jeans as opposed to a competitor, according to Prof. Gurp. “These jeans are Italian, so that’s the first thing right there,” he explained. “If you’re not a jeanhead you probably don’t know this, but Italian dungarees are kind of like the Roger Federer of denim. Second of all, these jeans come with Stefano Ricci’s signature eagle patch at the back waist, and as anyone with eyes can see eagles are cool as hell so that’s another thing they’ve got going for them.”
“Fuck dude, eagles are so cool,” Prof. Gurp continued. “They’re all like ‘skree!’ as they swoop down from the sky to catch a fish out of a stream. Fuck!”
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Now that the stimulus is on its way to every American, the Biden Admin has admitted that the reduction from $2000 to $1400 was in fact intentional in order to facilitate the smooth purchase of Stefano Ricci jeans.
“If we’d given every American $2000,” explained staffer Raquel Zamboni, 25, “they would have spent $1400 on Stefano Ricci Men’s Medium Wash Jeans w/ Eagle Patch from Neiman Marcus, and then quickly become despondent and agitated with the remaining $600 because they wouldn’t have been able to buy another pair of Stefano Ricci jeans with that amount.”
“By reducing the stimulus to the exact cost of these jeans,” Zamboni concluded, “we pave the way for our citizens to inject roughly $460.3 billion into the economy via the luxury department store sector so they’re free to focus on looking good as fuck in their Stefano Ricci jeans, just in time for club season this summer.”
