UIC — Although temperatures are finally cooling throughout the Midwest following a summer of absolute scorchers in the Second City, scientists are now cautioning that warming temperatures are putting Chicago dangerously close to ideal conditions for a remake of the 1990 action film, Predator 2.
“These temperatures would be concerning anywhere in the contiguous United States,” stated Dr. Jenkem Hunt, 45, the head of UIC’s Climatology And Predator 2 Remakes department. “However, when you combine them with current public misconceptions about Chicago being a lawless hellhole unfit for normal human habitation, we’re rapidly approaching what I and other climatologists consider the ‘Predator 2 tipping point.’”
A metaphorical critical mass where a remake of the sci-fi film starring Danny Glover as a hard-bitten police sergeant on the hunt for a deadly intergalactic big game hunter is unavoidable, the ‘Predator 2 tipping point’ relies on a complex series of algorithmic formulas tracing the intersections of local weather patterns, public perception of the city and the overall “laziness index” of 20th Century Fox film executives to track the likelihood of a remake.
“Creative executives on the coast are fairly unsophisticated and dim people,” noted Dr. Hunt, “and normally they only want to see Chicago in a movie if it’s for something like an adaption of Romeo and Juliet set in the South Side, but if Chicago’s climate begins to resemble that of Los Angeles’s circa the early 90s, even they wouldn’t be able to avoid putting the pieces together.”
And the worst part? A Predator 2 remake would be just the beginning.
“Predator 2 would really just be the tip of the iceberg,” added Dr. Hunt, “and in many projections it creates a cascade effect where failing to control this release sets us up for a whole slew of Chicago remakes of classic Los Angeles films—Demolition Man, LA Confidential.”
“The worst projections even suggest we might see remakes of Heat and Blade Runner set here by 2030,” he concluded. “It’s just going to be remakes all the way down until Hollywood burns out or the Sun collapses in on itself.”
But the good news is that this prediction, while dire, may not come to pass. “It’s important to remember that until it happens, this is all speculative,” said research assistant Riley Burke, 29. “But if we don’t do something to stop the warming of our planet, it’s going to seem like less and less of a leap to remake the film, at which point it’s out of our hands entirely.”
Danny Glover could not be reached for comment as to whether he would consider reprising his role for a remake, but Chicago Genius Herald reporters who caught up with the Predator said that the extraterrestrial seemed to click its mandibles in delight before repeating the phrase “you’re one ugly motherfucker” in a guttural growl and arming its wrist-mounted nuclear device.