PULASKI PARK — As the vaccine rollout continues apace, many are attempting to find ways to circumvent the lines and get their appointments faster. But there may be good news for the city’s punks ages 59 and under. The Illinois Department of Health announced on March 2nd that smokers and anyone who has ever been loaded or desperate enough to take a shit in the bathroom of notorious Chicago dive bar Exit is being placed in a priority group for the vaccine.
“Some people might slam this decision,” said deputy commissioner Ilyana Fromskie, 46, “arguing that we aren’t doing enough to roll the vaccine out quickly to service workers. But if you’ve ever even thought about what the bathroom inside Exit must look like given every other aspect of its design, I think you’d agree that anyone who’s had bare skin-to-seat contact with one of the toilets in there is probably ravaged with all manner of diseases that place them in a higher risk category.”
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Although some individuals have appealed to the FDA about this decision, they’ve remained adamant that it’s up to the state to determine how to best distribute their vaccines.
“Honestly if you’re really all that busted up about it,” FDA spokesperson Gerard Whey, 33 explained, “just remember that it could be a lot worse. Your state could just put them outside in a big cardboard box labeled ‘good luck!’ and let people self administer, or they could invent some kind of vaccine gun they use to shoot old people in the face with.”
“When it comes down to it, people who took a shit in a dive bar getting to jump the line is pretty mild,” he concluded. “A vaccine gun. That’s wild. We should get the boys in R&D on that one ASAP.”
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Not everyone is displeased with this development, however.
“This is great news for punks everywhere,” said Rutherford Mapelthorppe III, 39, who goes by the sobriquet “Apefucker Jones” among his friends. “I’m sick of getting pissed on by the man, and the sooner I can get back to shoving people around in the pit without needing to worry about catching a communicable disease the better!”
“This almost makes losing that bet where I had to wear one of Exit’s toilet seats around my neck all night worth it,” he said while relieving himself in the alley where we were talking to him. “Almost.”
