Swarm of DePaul Students Irritating Midges Enjoying Nice Weather

June 3, 2022

LINCOLN PARK — Interrupting an otherwise idyllic stroll down Fullerton Avenue, a loud swarm of DePaul students disrupted a group of midges enjoying the nice weather Thursday.

“I always get so happy when it’s May and the weather is finally nice again,” said Mr. Midge, the elder statesman of the group at 4 days old. “The winter is so tough that once things start warming out you’re only anticipating flowers and sunny skies, and forget about the downsides of this time of year.”

The family of midges, locals in the area, set out on their afternoon sojourn forgetting about the throngs of DePaul students who flock to any available outdoor space this time of year. “It’s natural, I get it,” said Mr. Midge, sighing. “But does it seem to anyone else like there are more of them this year? Maybe the winter wasn’t cold enough. That usually gets the numbers down, but with global warming…”

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Rising populations of college students flooding into outdoor spaces in end-of-quarter droves is normal for their species, experts claim. “The lifespan of a student engaging in higher-ed activities is typically four years,” said school nurse Clem Pants, 65. “This time of year is imprinted into their biology. After months of hibernation, their bodies can somehow sense the change in the weather.”

“It’s interesting,” Pants continued. “There’s no earthly way to explain how they know to go outside and be annoying. And yet, it happens every year.”

When it comes to sharing outdoor space with other species, the midges are still learning to adjust. “It’s like--what’s the point of them?” asked Mr. Midge, after a cloud of students crowded past the family on the sidewalk. “Like, they don’t eat other types of humans, right? Do they even do anything to help the environment?”

Students imported from around the country and globe are less likely to have natural predators in the Chicago area, often causing their populations to balloon, with devastating effect to the natural biome. “Invasive species like these are tough on native flora and fauna,” noted Pants. “Adapt or die!”

Despite having to share the sidewalks and parks with DePaul students and other species of Chicagoans against their will, the midges see a bright spot ahead. “We’ll all be dead in like a day or two,” said Mr. Midge. “So, like, c’est la vie.”

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