LINCOLN PARK — After a disgruntled customer smashed one of the windows of The Wiener Circle with a brick last week, fans of the restaurant are aiding in the search to find the culprit. To aid the search, The Wiener Circle has offered a reward for anyone who comes forward with information about the identity of the vandal. Any information that helps the case will be rewarded with a one month pass from being made fun of by The Wiener Circle’s famously surly staff.
“We’re pretty pissed some maskless asshole threw a fit and a brick in our restaurant,” said Sandra “Queen” Meane, 48, a night shift manager at Wiener Circle, “so if you know who this piece of shit is we promise we’ll let you order without commenting on your clothes or how stupid your date looks or speculate that your penis too small or too ugly. You get a pass. For a month.”
“I’ve been reviewing the security footage all weekend, I really want to crack the case,” said Jared Daniels, 34, a sales rep, “I have a really dumb looking face when I try to order at a counter so I haven’t been able to eat at Wiener Circle without crying. This prize could really help me get my confidence back.”
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The hashtag #wienersleuths began to trend over the weekend as amateur detectives raced for the identity of the culprit and the prize promised by the eatery. While many focused on the license plate on a KIA Soul captured by Wiener Circle’s security camera, others were determined to identify the man on sight alone.
“He looks just like my cousin, Jared,” said Jared Grossman, 29, unemployed but with limitless potential, “and I’d gladly turn in my cousin for a shot at getting fries without it being pointed out that I look like a french fry. It’s probably not going to come across to your readers, but I do.”
As the public and authorities get closer to IDing the perpetrator, Wiener Circle continues to raise the stakes with additional promises on the prize.
“If you can bring us the name or address of the brick thrower we’ll say one nice thing about you next time you order.” said Meane. “Something about how you made a good choice or some shit. And you can take up to three minutes picking what you want off the menu and we won’t jump on you and say you can’t read.”
“But I want to be very clear. After the month is up we’re going to right back to insulting you. Probably worse, because we’ll have been holding it all in for a month and now we know you’re a snitch.”