20,000 FEET ABOVE CHICAGO — At 1:15 AM this past Sunday, Emily [LAST NAME REDACTED], 24, reportedly donned a pair of high altitude night vision goggles and a tactical parachute and jumped off the ramp of a C-130 Hercules transport aircraft passing over downtown Chicago.
“NO ONE CAN KNOW I WAS STAYING WITH MY PARENTS IN OHIO,” screamed Emily to this reporter as she quickly reached a freefall speed of over 120 mph.
“IF MY FRIENDS KNEW THEY MIGHT THINK I WAS BEING SELFISH,” she continued as the plane above her that her parents, George and Susan [REDACTED], had rented to ensure her clandestine return shrunk into the skyline.
After several minutes, in which this Chicago Genius reporter certainly did not soil themselves, Emily pulled her parachute ripcord and quietly descended into the Wicker Park community garden, only several blocks away from the apartment that she had immediately abandoned in mid-March as soon as things got weird.
After cutting herself free of her parachute with the efficiency of a WWII paratrooper, Emily proceeded to take out her phone and activate location services, putting her back on the Snapmap.
“With any luck they’ll never notice I was gone,” said Emily, who had been silent from social media for the past few months, absent a few #TBT posts of pictures with friends in the city.
Approaching her apartment, Emily dove behind a tree when she noticed her neighbor, Keith Lakefield, 27, smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk.
“Tango Domino Foxtrot,” whispered Emily, in military gibberish, before producing a handheld dart gun and expertly putting two darts directly into Keith’s neck from 20 yards away.
“Looks like it was time for him to quit...being awake!” Emily murmured and then headed into her apartment.
The following day Emily reportedly posted on Instagram with a selfie of her in her apartment with a caption “Ugh stuck in this place for months! Who’s ready for phase 4?!”