Chicago Vaccine Mandate Opponents Take Advantage of “Just Let Them in if They’re Really Fucking Annoying About It” Loophole

“If someone starts sobbing and begging and saying they’ll piss everywhere if they don’t get deep-dish pizza, I’m probably just going to let them in so they’ll shut up. I don’t really care if my boss has to pay a fine, honestly at this point I don’t really feel anything.”

New Year Legal Update: Here Are The Illinois Statues Taking Effect This Week

New regulations passed last year that went live on January 1st include laws cracking down on puppy mills and bolstering background checks for firearms. However, Illinois residents may have noticed an even bigger change than these this year: by law, almost 300 statues took effect on Saturday across the state.

“ZooDarks” Event in Lincoln Park Zoo Unveils Black Hole in Middle of Reptile House

Visitors can seek relief from the glistening holiday decorations bedecking the zoo by entering the Reptile House and admiring a few of the snakes and lizards before crossing the event horizon and being sucked into the hole.

Santa Tracker Update: Santa’s Sleigh Ticketed Again for Parking in Overnight Parking Ban Zone

Santa was reportedly able to fly away just as a Lincoln Towing vehicle pulled up.

Man Waiting to Get Booster Shot Till Exact Right Moment to Propel Him Into First Place

“It’s a fools’ maneuver to use your booster immediately when it’s offered,” said Williamson, his eyes obscured by sick wrap-around shades, “the true master of games waits till the moment is right and smashes through to victory! Ha ha! Hahaha! I can not be beaten!”

Midwest Furfest Theme “Intergalactic” Massive Disappointment After Everyone Goes As The Dog Who Went to Space

“Laika has swag,” said FurFest regular Archie Tucker, 27. “Everybody wants to be Laika; they want that cosmos-bound Soviet dog flavor, you know. That 1950s orbital fuckability.”

Walgreens Cooler Screen Playing Shrek 2 Again

The doors started to play Shrek 2 in its entirety on a loop early this week. Employees have tried multiple solutions short of reading the manual, but Shrek remains.

Starbucks Roastery Offers Union Members Free Tour of Giant Coffee Vats Someone Might Fall Into, God Forbid

Once inside, multiple workers pointed out what appeared to be human skulls bobbing at the surface of the industrial-sized vats of joe, but Wilder assured the special guests that they were merely “coffee bones.”

Starbucks Reserve Roastery Begins Roasting The Bean

“Like many businesses we’ve been facing supply chain issues,” said Candie Jameson, 43, a Senior Bean Counter (literal) for at the Starbucks Reserve Roastery. “And by utilizing this great natural resource in the center of our city, we expect to be able to keep our customers regular for years to come.”

CDC Warns Against Deadly “Derek Variant” as Cuffing Season Approaches

“This new one’s just a guy,” explained Grimsby, “but that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. All modern vaccines have 0% efficacy against the Derek Variant, and getting a cat or new hobby is only 17% effective.”