CHICAGO — With Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s new mandate that proof of COVID-19 vaccination is required for all indoor activities, the unvaccinated are worried they now won’t be able to enjoy going to movies, museums and restaurants where they can scream at the staff. Some opponents of the vaccine mandate have discovered a loophole in the mandate: that many places will still let them in if they’re really fucking annoying about being asked to prove their vaccination status.
“In any law there’s exceptions,” said Professor Luke D’Amato, 58, a retired law professor, “if you know enough about the law, you can find these loopholes and basically get away with anything. While this mandate might seem air-tight to a layman, I see a clear loophole that most places will just let you in if you really put up a big, annoying-ass fuss. Yelling, crying, saying you’ll sue, lying that it’s your birthday, all of these are viable work-arounds for those of us who refuse to take this degrading vaccine.”
As the mandate takes effect on Monday, the staff of establishments around the city prepare to enforce the new order, workers in the already stretched thin retail and service industries expressed frustration that enforcement was falling to them. To many under-trained workers, the use of the loophole is making it even harder to do their jobs.
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“I get paid twelve dollars an hour,” said Stephanie Jones, 24, a hostess at Lou Malnatti’s downtown location, “if someone starts sobbing and begging and saying they’ll piss everywhere if they don’t get deep-dish pizza, I’m probably just going to let them in so they’ll shut up. I don’t really care if my boss has to pay a fine, honestly at this point I don’t really feel anything.”
“The best tip I can give anyone looking to skirt this mandate that’s trampling on our rights is that you have to identify the most vulnerable, burned-out employees and be really, really fucking annoying to them,” said D’Amato. “If you try to plead and grovel in front of someone who hasn’t been ground to dust by two years of dealing with the public, the loophole might not work!”
With the mandate in effect for the foreseeable future, workers are preparing themselves to face more unvaccinated patrons who utilize this loophole.
“We’re training all of our employees to ignore people trying to utilize this loophole in the mandate,” said Wilson Phillips, 43, a restaurant manager, “no matter how much they scream and cry and act like a big annoying fucking baby, do not give in. Even if they’re being so fucking annoying that you just want to do something, anything to shut them up, resist the urge to beat them with whatever’s in your pockets and calmly remind them of the city’s policy on vaccination.”
With reports of people being insufferable fucking jerks coming in from all over the city, workers brace for a long week. We here at The Chicago Genius Herald salute you and remind you that the lakeshore is a great place to go when you need to scream.