Man Desensitized From Years of Grueling Pornography Habit Doubts a Second Stimulus Package Would Get Him Going

RAVENSWOOD — Opening an incognito window on his laptop and lowering the bedroom blinds, Andy Linkter, 33, expressed doubt that, after years of a grueling pornography habit, another stimulus check would be enough to get him going. 

“If there even is another one, which I doubt,” said Linkter in a brief and sweaty email, “It’s not even going to scratch the surface for me. I’ve been doing this every day since high school.” Going on to elaborate that a little bit of stimulation isn’t nearly enough for a brain entirely reformatted by the darkest annals of internet pornography, Linkter aired the need for the federal government to get creative. 

“At this point, novelty will go the furthest for me,” he wrote, linking several PornHub videos as examples which promptly dissolved The Genius Herald’s computers in a slew of cam girl ads. “The government should channel the ingenuity of some of these performers. You really never know what might get somebody off.” 

Like many Chicagoans, Linkter has been unemployed since April, and has delved deep into preexisting hobbies. “I made a macrame plant hanger a few months ago, but I’ve mainly been focusing on masturbating with my computer. I even added another monitor,” noted Linkter, dead-eyed in a dark room. “This has always been a hobby I’ve enjoyed, and, despite the circumstances, I’m glad to be able to devote more time to this.” 

“Give me the money in a fishnet bowling ball bag. Make it cash, and draw extra neck muscles on the Benjamins. Soak all the money in grenadine and then tie a cherry stem with your tongue and put it on top. These are all ideas I’m just giving you for free, off the cuff,” Linkter said in a Zoom call, going on to list fifteen more ways to sex up the stimulus package before taking a breath. 

Despite arguments that most recipients of a second stimulus package would be more interested in the financial aid than its presentation, Linkter remained adamant about the addition of meaningful sex appeal. 

Hours into a fruitless search for a video he’d watched five years ago and felt a yen to revisit, Linkter expressed doubt about ever getting stimulated in a non hyper-specific way ever again. “I don’t know why I’m like this, but at least I’m keeping busy,” he noted, before turning back to his monitor and typing in “bus + kneecap + epic rap battles of history” into the RedTube search bar.

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