AVONDALE — While COVID-19 stay-at-home orders have allowed Earth’s ecosystem to bounce back from pollution in many ways, the pandemic has created a new, surprising threat to our planet’s pristine areas. Reports surfaced Monday that the accumulated detritus of seven weeks has reached critical mass at the Avondale apartment of Thomas Sealy, 44, threatening the last presentable location in the apartment for videoconferencing.
The mess at Sealy’s apartment, which he described in a video call as "totally manageable," had rendered every possible backdrop unsuitable for video by both professional and environmental standards, this Chicago Genius Herald reporter observed. Towers of empty Old Style cans loomed over the coffee table and a Great Kitchen Garbage Patch of delivery containers marred the once-beautiful views from Sealy’s MacBook camera. "I've got this under control. It's not as bad as it looks," Sealy reassured the Genius Herald from his couch-corner retreat. The only vista left untouched, an apparent three-foot square at the south end of Sealy's futon, was also in jeopardy as a tide of dirty laundry encroached from the north. Sealy maintained a troublingly positive position on the crisis in his living and working space, seemingly ignoring the pizza grease spell leaking from his recycling bin and the stacks of abandoned quarantine reading projects blocking any chance at good lighting in his apartment.
Advertisement:
When pressed on the possibility of cleanup efforts, Sealy muttered "it looks fine to me" before a resounding crash heralded the collapse of a tower of unwashed plates in Sealy's bedroom. "You know, I actually have to jump on another call, but you shouldn't worry. I'm already fighting back – look!" At this point Sealy switched on a "virtual background" feature, which replaced the impending ecological disaster behind him with a poorly rendered real estate photo of his unit from the pre-Sealy era. "I found this on Zillow," Sealy bragged, as his figure glitched into the digital backdrop, a hauntingly beautiful reminder of video conferences past.
Now fully invisible to video, the apartment’s environmental status is more in danger than ever. The Genius Herald received one last transmission by chat from Sealy before he ended the call, reading “found my cat - he was under the magazines lol. Talk to u guys later.” The return of wildlife to the area signals that hope is perhaps not yet lost for this last stretch of wilderness; however, the Genius Herald will continue to report on environmental conditions here, and whether the area can sustain another "virtual happy hour" as planned on Friday.
