GOLD COAST — Standing at his standing desk in his sunny, instagram-worthy home office of his 32nd floor open floor plan condo, local tech worker Cody Michael Jacobs, 29, was dropping little drips of the COVID-19 vaccine into his morning bulletproof coffee.
“I got it through work, because I’m an essential worker,” farted Jacobs, an appsplainer for the dog recycling app DisemBARKR, an app which recycles dogs.
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“Some say you’re supposed to take it all at once to allow for maximum potency. That’s a critical mistake. Taking it in slow doses over the course of a week will allow me to achieve a constant, lower-level of immunity over the same period. It’s all about pushing yourself to achieve peak performance” continued Jacobs, displaying a fundamental misunderstanding of how vaccines, and productivity, works.
While some have questioned the rollout of the vaccine to workers like Jacobs, area business leaders have championed it as a way to return to a more productive economy.
“We need Jacobs back at the office,” said Rick Chuck, 95, CEO of DisemBARKR. “I need all of my employees here so I can feel like I’m in control of their fates again. Without the ability to use weird office power dynamics to get underlings to agree with my ideas I might start to feel like I’m just a dumb old guy who got here by getting lucky. Which is ridiculous.”
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Chuck, who, despite believing that COVID-19 is a hoax, is insisting that all of his employees get the vaccine, but can take it however they want.
“It’s none of my business what they do with it once they get it,” continued Chuck. “Whatever Cody Michael needs to do to his body to get back into the office and achieve productivity is his decision.”
Jacobs fully expects to be back in the office in the month of February.
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“I can’t wait,” said Jacobs, cutting up a sandwich into 8 pieces to slowly eat over the course of the day. “Working from home is nice, but I miss riding my electric scooter to work every morning and the feeling I get when everyone would honk at me when I would wildly weave in and out of traffic to get to work on time. It’s as if they were saying ‘Go, Cody, go!’”
