FIELD MUSEUM — With the city of Chicago entering a new phase of reopening, administrators at the Field Museum have issued a warning to visitors that while the museum is opening up again, Sue, their Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, has not eaten in months.
“Oh, Sue’s hungry,” said Field Museum curator and dinosaur stan Dr. Alyssa Palmer, 43. “Usually she’ll pick off one or two visitors a week and the occasional janitor. With no one visiting she’s practically all bones at this point.”
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Upon entering the museum, visitors are asked to sign a waiver to waive the right to sue for any dinosaur-related damages up to and including being eaten in one big bite like a pelican swallowing a fish.
“All things relative I’m sure to Sue I’m basically just a little chicken nugget on legs,” said visitor Lily James, 25. “But I’ve been cooped up so long that me and my boyfriend are gladly willing to risk death being eaten by a giant dinosaur skeleton as opposed to sitting on the couch trying desperately to find another show to watch.”
“We were even considering watching Battlestar Galactica again,” said boyfriend Patrick Poole, 25. “Even knowing how lame the ending was. So once we heard the Field Museum was reopening we had to visit, even with the increased risk of getting absolutely chomped by a cursed theropod.”
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Museum administrators have put up signs near Sue recommending visitors not to turn their backs on Sue, or to mention how cool Máximo the Titanosaur is, which really pisses her off.
“We’re not going to *not* go see Sue though,” said Lily James. “No shade to the Apsáalooke Warriors and Women exhibit, but I’m here for the rush of being somewhere I probably shouldn’t and Sue being a wittle hungo just takes it to the next level.”
At press time, Lily and Patrick were seen turning around in front of Sue to take a selfie in front of her, putting up peace signs as Sue began slightly tilting her head to face them.
