RAVENSWOOD — As Illinois eases into Tier One restrictions, Chicago area restaurants are now permitted to service customers indoors, with the caveat that they only eat a little bit.
“Customers can have a little meal, as a treat,” said Matilda Powell, 26, server at Roots Handmade Pizza, as she was approaching a table of four customers, carrying a platter with four little squares of pizza. “But then they gotta go.”
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According to Illinois Tier One guidelines, restaurants are only permitted to operate at 25% capacity and prepare dishes no larger than 25% of their original size.
“As something that pisses off both the restaurants and the customers AND is ineffective at fighting coronavirus, I think this is really my crowning achievement” said Governor J. B. Pritzker in a press conference. “But it sounds like something that might work if you don’t think about it, or if you’re not that hungry.”
Other tier restrictions announced by the governor for Tier 1 include allowing you to go to the bar only if you have a bad time and the controversial “no kissing in the gym” rule.
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“I follow the science,” continued Pritzker. “The science says we need to make it seem like we’re doing something to fight the virus while also allowing the gears of capital to continue grinding us into ash. If we don’t do that then how will we be able to afford to do more science? Checkmate atheists.”
While some restaurant owners have questioned how they are supposed to stay in business serving so few customers such small portions, some welcome the change and are leaning into the situation.
“This is actually perfect for us because people can never tell how big our portions are supposed to be anyways,” said Brayden Day, 34, server at Alinea. “So we’ve just been charging the same amount and the customers can’t tell the difference. If anything it keeps them hungrier so they order hundreds more dollars of appetizers, or about 2 appetizers.”
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There’s no telling when Tier 1 restrictions will ease given the rate of vaccine distribution, but sources say Governor Pritzker is drafting a new set of restrictions for Tier 1/2.
