So you’re scared of germs. Your whole life you’ve been a pro at keeping clean, but now you find yourself wondering if you’ll ever get to enjoy having sex. You know, sex? That one activity with sweat and saliva and other bodily fluids? Can you even have a good time when those things are involved? Well, you can. Just because you’re afraid of germs doesn’t mean you to need to be afraid of getting down and dirty. Here are six tips for germaphobes who still want to fuck nasty.
1. Replace regular lube with Purell
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Um, duh! You already have a gallon-sized bottle of it on your nightstand, so, why not use it? Instead of using a generic lubricant, grease things up down there with some Purell hand sanitizer. It kills 99.99% of germs, so you can stop worrying about the spread of harmful bacteria and start focusing on the super nasty fucking you’re about to do.
2. Use a paper towel when touching genitalia
You don’t know where that thing has been! Once you’ve finished washing your hands for the tenth time today, take an extra paper towel for touching any genitals that might be involved in this nasty fuck. Pro tip: bring the whole roll of paper towels to the fuck in case things get really nasty.
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3. Fuck in shower
This one’s kind of a no-brainer! If you’re afraid of being dirty, move the fucking straight to the germaphobe’s holy sanctuary: the steamy shower. By the time your nasty fuck is complete, the water and soap will have washed away the deed and you’ll be back to your normal clean self (thank God).
4. Ejaculate into your elbow
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Where should you sneeze? Into your elbow. Where should you cough? Into your elbow. Where should you cum? I think you get the picture! Prevent the spread of germs (and sperms) during the nastiest of fucks by ejaculating straight into your elbow. Just make sure you wipe up after!
5. Oral Sex? Wear a facemask
One of the most iconic ways to fuck nasty is to do it orally. This can be a great time, however, it provides TONS of opportunities for you to get germs in your mouth. Our advice? Shut your trap and keep it clean by wearing a surgical facemask, and encouraging your partner to do the same. Once you’ve donned your masks, you’re clear to take your partner straight to oral pleasuretown.
6. Just masturbate instead
Humans are full of snot and dirt and diseases. Why sacrifice your own cleanliness just to interact with one? At the end of the day, the only sure-fire way to make sure your nasty fuck is totally clean is to not have anyone else involved at all. So go home, draw a bath, light some candles, and get nasty (clean) with yourself.
