AVONDALE – One man’s life was ruined today in Chicago. Due to the newly drawn neighborhood map by sociologists at the University Of Chicago, Self-Proclaimed “Loganite” Spencer Hooper, 28, is having to face the reality that he might not be a Logan Square resident after all.
“I eat, sleep and breathe Logan,” Hooper huffed to our reporters. “I pay rent like I live in Logan, and I have to go to Lula Cafe at least once a month or I break out in hives.” He proudly took another sip of his lukewarm PBR and proclaimed, “I haven’t been North of Addison since ‘08.”
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The redrawn districts published by the Chicago Neighborhood Map project have caused several upsets amongst neighbors who feel entitled to a certain social pedigree. Since Logan Square was named one of “The Coolest Neighborhoods” in last year’s TimeOut list, some residents have been clutching onto that title like it’s a coveted reservation at The Whale.
“Saying you live in Avondale just doesn’t carry the same cultural weight,” Hooper’s roommate, Michael Gosin, 32, reassured our team. “It’s like admitting that you’re from Skokie when you go out of state. You can just say you’re from Chicago, no one’s gonna know.”
Our reporters assured him that people will in fact, know.
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Our team asked Hooper how his daily life will change now that he doesn’t live in Logan. He drained the last of his PBR before mumbling, “I’ll probably just be doing loser stuff. Whatever those dorks in Avondale get up to. Whirlyball? Brunch?” He shook his head in disgust. “How do they spend time if they’re not getting hit by bikes on the 606? That used to take up, like, whole weekends when I lived in Logan.”
Before hopping on his bike covered in Hopewell Brewery stickers, he continued: “And on top of that, I’ll have to put my dog down. His name just seems silly now. ‘Illinois Centennial Monument’ doesn’t have the same ring to it now as it once did.”
