CHICAGO — True to the fear mongering predictions, only hours after the inauguration of Brandon Johnson as Chicago’s new mayor, the city is nothing more than a smoldering crater. That’s right, the whole thing is gone, destroyed by the wanton violence of its crime-addicted population. If only Chicago had listened to right-leaning news outlets that warned them Johnson would doom everyone.
“Everyone that doesn’t live in Chicago was right, and now we are all dead,” said some Chicagoan we found under some rubble, being mugged.
“I mean, I hate to say I told you so, but…” Gerald Premont, 65, a self-described patriot who hates large areas of the country, but especially Chicago. “That’s what you get for electing a guy who cares more about ‘children’s education’ and ‘fair labor practices’ than budgeting for the police to stand on L platforms and point their guns at the trains to make sure they don’t gain sentience.”
By current estimates, everyone in Chicago has been assaulted, robbed, or robbed of life (murdered). We tried to confront Mayor Johnson, but he’d already gotten in a big, fancy car he bought with money from Mayor crimes and driven to a socialist country to avoid extradition. They’re going to send Seal Team 6 after him, aren’t those guys cool?
With Chicago a smoking hole in the ground, news outlets around the nation are encouraged to just forget this horrible crime city ever existed. Maybe start running endless op-eds about how Sacramento needs to send all the homeless people to jail or whatever.
We here at The Chicago Genius Herald mourn the loss of Chicago and salute those who totally called it that our liberal politics would lead us to ruin. If only we’d listened to you and voted for the police to be the new mayor, maybe we wouldn’t all be dead now. But we are. Don’t check.