BUCKTOWN – Reckless driving has caused an uptick in pedestrian injuries, and Chicagoans are begging officials to put some change into action. Instead of the pesky task of implementing traffic control and asking auto- owners not to Wordle and drive, the city went a more defensive route.
Partnering with Big BubbleWrap, Chicago aims to put a stop to human and car collisions by manufacturing custom plastic orbs for everyone to safely bounce down the street. “Yes, the corporate sponsorship pushed our hand a bit,” admitted Chief of Sidewalk Safety, Albert Melkey, 59. “But in our test runs, the pedestrians who were wrapped in the full body plastic covering only sustained minor embarrassment and loss of self-respect. Not loss of limbs! That’s all that matters to me.”
“The bubbles also do a great job at keeping citizens warm during cold spells,” Melkey goes on. “Although, a strong gust of wind did sweep away one third of the trial subjects, and planted them somewhere East of Indiana. Oh well. At least they weren’t hit by cars!”
We talked to one of the testers of this new initiative that hasn’t been lost to the town of Dayton. “It started out really fun, not gonna lie.” Brimley Stafford, 23, confessed to our reporters. “It’s a very human desire to want to roll around the street in a big plastic bubble like a hamster. I’m sure it’s in our DNA somewhere. But it got a lot less enjoyable when a pack of middle school students started playing keep away with me at recess.”
So for those of you unfortunate enough to have to face these mean city streets, expect a large, orb-shaped package coming for you soon in the mail. They are self-inflating, hypoallergenic, and completely shock resistant to even the most determined of Chicago speeders.
“I’m not supposed to reveal any celebrity sponsorships that might come with this venture,” Melkey added. “But there may be a certain someone who’s name rhymes with Flake Myllenhaal
that is willing to put his name on this project. Because you know, he starred in the 2001 blockbuster, Bubble Boy. But I really can’t give away anything else.”