CHICAGO — As the COVID-19 vaccine rollout continues, Illinois Department of Public Health officials grow more concerned that there are not enough doses to go around. Awaiting more support from the federal level, officials announced as a stop-gap measure that the second dose of the vaccine will be replaced with a little kiss on the injection site.
“We’re trying to get these vaccines out to the eldery, healthcare providers, first responders, essential workers and attractive people we’re trying to impress as fast as possible,” said Dr. Ngozi Ezike, Director of the IDPH, “but in order to speed up the process and spread our short supplies as far as possible, we’re having to just every-so-slightly alter the vaccine course. When the doctor tells you that you won’t feel a thing you can believe them because they will not be using a needle this time.”
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The COVID-19 vaccine requires two doses to build immunity, but IDPH officials are certain that replacing one of these doses with a “little, polite kiss right where the shot goes” will suffice in giving patients immunity. According to new IDPH guidelines, the little kisses will be administered by medical professionals and can be “as dainty or wet as the patient requests, but no tongue.”
“I got my first vaccine last week,” said Trent Franklin, 34, unemployed but extremely handsome, “and when I went back today the pharmacist just rolled up my sleeve, gave me a tiny peck and handed me my vaccination card. It was nice, no one’s ever kissed my arm so tenderly.”
Despite the fact that the “little kissy-poo” method has increased vaccinated numbers and decreased waits for Chicagoans, some health experts are suggesting that replacing the second dose of a two-phase inoculation process with an itty-bitty smooch is not adequate in preventing COVID-19.
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“Look, I was a practicing doctor, so I know we in the medical field always have the urge to just try kissing problems away,” said Dr. William Jayne, 56, an immunology professor at Northwestern University, “but simply kissing the arms of patients is not an acceptable alternative to medicine in this case. Christ, it’s nice though. The feeling of my lips against arm skin, it’s unbelievable.”
Dr. Jayne and other healthcare providers have voiced concerns that shortages of vaccines and alteration to the distribution plan could put Illinois into similar dire circumstances as other states are experiencing.
“We don’t want to end up like Florida, where the plan is ‘just get COVID, you pussy,’” said Dr. Jayne, “or New York, where you can only get a vaccine if you answer Andrew Cuomo’s riddles three. We need a common sense solution and to demand more out of our federal government.”
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As of press time, both vaccines have been replaced with a “hug while someone whispers ‘I’m so, so sorry’ into your ear,” and JB Pritzker has announced he’s on his twelfth round of vaccines and “feels like God.”
