The Latest

Man Fears for Health of Tooth Moss Following News of Lifted Mask Mandate

“Keeping my mask on whenever I leave the controlled environment of my apartment has been an extremely effective way of ensuring the safety and wellbeing of my tooth moss.”

Chicago Vaccine Mandate Opponents Take Advantage of “Just Let Them in if They’re Really Fucking Annoying About It” Loophole

“If someone starts sobbing and begging and saying they’ll piss everywhere if they don’t get deep-dish pizza, I’m probably just going to let them in so they’ll shut up. I don’t really care if my boss has to pay a fine, honestly at this point I don’t really feel anything.”

Man Waiting to Get Booster Shot Till Exact Right Moment to Propel Him Into First Place

“It’s a fools’ maneuver to use your booster immediately when it’s offered,” said Williamson, his eyes obscured by sick wrap-around shades, “the true master of games waits till the moment is right and smashes through to victory! Ha ha! Hahaha! I can not be beaten!”

CDC Warns Against Deadly “Derek Variant” as Cuffing Season Approaches

“This new one’s just a guy,” explained Grimsby, “but that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. All modern vaccines have 0% efficacy against the Derek Variant, and getting a cat or new hobby is only 17% effective.”

Omicron Variant’s Friends and Family Keep Warning It About the Crime and Cold Weather Before Spreading to Chicago

“It’s cheaper than New York, has excellent food, and I look forward to finishing off what’s left of the improv scene. I’ll just buy a big coat, it’s not that bad.”

Delta Variant Spotted at Lollapalooza Covered in Glitter, Drinking Vodka From a Waterbottle

“I’m flying back to Colorado through O’Hare, I can’t wait to tell everyone I meet that I met DV.” 

Time Traveler? Maskless Man Sitting Next to People on the Train Must Be From 2019

“It was like everyone knew,” said Carol, “the moment he got off everyone seemed to breathe easier. That guy was definitely on a mission to the future. Either that or he’s just some contrarian asshole who refuses to wear a mask on the train as some sort of half-assed protest daring people to say something. Unfortunately it’s impossible to tell which one is which, so I’m going to be safe and assume Terminator.”

Chicago Reopens and Everything Is Just Fine, Don’t Think About It

Despite feeling relieved that the pandemic is technically sort-of over, many Chicagoans have reported feelings of dread not only about the past, but the future as well. Despite this, concerns over back rent coming due as eviction protections end, continued unemployment, and rising costs of basic consumer goods are all thoughts Chicagoans are encouraged to banish from their minds and go enjoy a fucking baseball game.

Workers Returning to Office Discover Evidence of Long Lost Office Culture

“We’ve found the most fascinating findings on our first expedition,” said Fremont, “ergonomic chairs, staplers, land-line phones, the sorts of things forgotten by modern history. We’ve also uncovered ancient texts that defy explanation. For example, a yellow square of slightly sticky paper that said ‘email michael.’ Who was this ‘michael?’ So much knowledge, lost to time.”

CDC Says Vaccinated Americans Can Go Unmasked Outdoors, But Should Keep Metaphorical Masks On Lest The World See The Beast Within

While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company.