BUCKTOWN – In a controversial choice for bicycle safety in a city where you’d be much safer walking across 8 lanes of highway blindfolded than attempting to bike down Ashland at any time of day, chalk muralists have been tasked with creating elaborate and intricate hopscotch trails for the poor saps unfortunate enough to bike in Chicago.
“A bit of whimsy is just the thing our city needs,” Head of Chicago Transportation Safety, Ellaine Cannon, 56, declared to our reporters. “Bikers know by now that we will do absolutely nothing to protect them against the aggressive two thousand pound cars that could flatten them at any moment. So we’re embracing it!”
Bikers will have to hop their bikes along the path at the marked intervals, and some neighborhoods are requiring the bikers to bring their own rocks to help keep the courses lively and unpredictable. Land on one bad square, and it’s back to the start of the course.
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Bill Silber, a lifelong biker and public safety advocate in the past, was confusingly chill in his response to this new project. “Look, I’ve had so many concussions from crazed Chicago drivers attempting to Flat-Stanley me on the street, I couldn’t even tell you what year it is. If the city wants to do this, sure.”
“We thought about making the city more bike friendly, what with our globe only seconds away from a fiery collapse caused by our idiotic dependency on cars. But we figured, eh. Let’s add some fun and frolic into the day-to-day while the days are still here.
When our reporters pressed Cannon for clarification on some of the key-issues presented with this new endeavor, she doubled down.
“Yes, the rain does periodically wash away the hopscotch trails, leading to confusion and chaos in the streets. Yes, children often misunderstand the intended use and have been an extreme safety problem when they try a pick-up game in the middle of an already busy intersection. No, we will be doing nothing to improve the lives of non-car users in the city of Chicago. If you don’t like it, move to Minneapolis you ungrateful f**ks.”