Reckless Cyclist Almost Runs Jeep Grand Wagoneer off Western Ave

July 29, 2022

BUCKTOWN — In a frightening moment on Wednesday evening, a Jeep Grand Wagoneer was put into harm’s way at the intersection of Western and Armitage when a careless cyclist nearly collided with the vehicle. 

“I was listening to Tchaikovsky, so let’s start there,” noted Jeep driver Howard Hoop, 43. “The light was green, I accelerated to make a right, and then this bike came barrelling down the lane right at me. It was terrifying!”

As Hoop prepared to turn onto Armitage, a cyclist recklessly rode out straight across the intersection. “She could have killed me,” he said, shaking. “If I hadn’t had the wherewithal to utilize my brakes system, I might be sitting here talking to you right now with a decapitated head and a bruised collarbone.”

Thanks to our sponsors:

The size and majesty of a Jeep Grand Wagoneer is such that other commuters—namely, bikers—see the vehicle and assume it’s a far-off mountain or stormcloud, never realizing that the Jeep is a fellow road warrior just like them.

“These cyclists, they ignore me because my Jeep Grand Wagoneer is so spacious and expansive,” noted Hoop. “Sometimes I’ll play Swan Lake on a portable bluetooth speaker clipped to my wheelbase, in hopes that the stirring pas de deux orchestration will alert cyclists to my presence.” 

Drivers of Jeep Grand Wagoneers have long advocated for improved signage and safety measures on busy roads like Western Avenue. Three luxurious rows of seating paired with twin-turbo six-cylinder make for an easy commute, but users have long feared the risks of traveling in such vehicles. “The cars are so big that the eye slides right past them,” said Jeep Rights Activist Sheryl Nitrate, 54. “It’s a beautiful trick of engineering, but can be deadly.”

Nitrate went on to point out that cyclists tend to hog the roads, filling neighborhoods with noise pollution through their clicking pedals and swishing anti-chafe shorts. “It’s enough to make you want to say a swear word,” Nitrate said. “But I never do. I’m Sheryl Nitrate, after all. People look to me.”

After the near-fatal intersection encounter, the cyclist continued down Western while Hoop pulled over to process the events. “What scares me the most isn’t that my CD player almost became a widow tonight,” said Hoop, in between deep breaths. “It’s that this cyclist is most likely going to do this again, unchecked and enabled by the infrastructure of this city.”

“That’s how you can judge any society,” he said, sadly. “By how they treat their most vulnerable: owners of Jeep Grand Wagoneers.”

Follow us

Sign up for the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox.