New Divvy Bike Only Accepts Gold Coins

August 5, 2022

CHICAGO — Since their purchase by Lyft in 2019, users of Divvy bikes in Chicago have noticed rising prices on the popular rental bikes. The bikes and ebikes— available around the most gentrified, least bikeable areas of the city—have substantially increased their rates over the summer, and Divvy has warned users it won’t stop there. This week Divvy released their newest bike model, which can only be operated by inserting a gold coin into the docking station. 

“Divvy is devoted to providing Chicagoans with convenient options for traversing the city,” said Mygan Anslygh, 26, a customer service diplomat for Divvy, “but cheap? We never promised that. Our newest bike can only be rented with pure gold, and if you don’t like it, walk or something.”

The new Divvy model is identical to previous versions of the clunky blue bike, but cost an average of 790% more to rent for rides. Divvy says specially sized gold coins are available at newly installed kiosks, and that other gold coins may work, but if it’s too small or isn’t pure enough gold, the machine will eat it.

“This is in no way related to Lyft’s recent purchase of Coyn,” said Anslygh of Lyft’s recent acquisition of a struggling startup that promised “a luxury coin experience backed by the charisma of Jared Leto.” “This is purely about money. When we started Divvy we didn’t realize how much upkeep public bikes would need. Honestly, the things you people do to those poor bikes disgust me.”

“I used to take Divvy everywhere,” said Paul Paulpaul, 22, a student at DePaul University, “but I can’t afford this shit anymore. I tried to get a bike home last night and it told me the only bike left cost 1.35 ounces of gold. That’s like $2000!”

“If we want Divvy and Lyft to ever make a profit once in their cursed lives, this is how it’s gotta be,” said Anslygh, “we bought the gold, you buy the gold from us, you give us back the gold on nights where you’re too drunk to drive, but not too drunk for an adventure. It’s win-win, as in we win twice!”

Divvy hasn’t commented if prices will continue to rise for bikes and ebikes, but confirmed they were working on a new scooter that runs on fistfuls of diamonds like the Mr. Freeze armor in Batman & Robin.

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