LOGAN SQUARE – Last summer, Logan Square’s historic farmers market was granted the spotlight when they became infamous as “The Horny Farmer’s Market.” In order to raise the bar this upcoming season, they’re going full um, balls-to-the-wall, and just calling themselves “Sex Central.” Which is the shortened version of the initial rebrand, “Nonstop Local Suck and F*ck Fest.”
“We had some fun with leaning into our flirty reputation,” Briar Carsen, 32, Marketing Manager of the LSQFM, revealed to our reporters. But just being a tantalizing and slightly horny hub for the neighborhood won’t cut it anymore. “It’s 2023. People are desperate. Not only for locally grown, organic bell peppers, but for sex.”
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“We got famous last year for being a hot-spot for singles to meet,” Carsen elaborates. “But since so many people love to bring their dogs to the market, we’re also setting up speed dating for canines. Our test event was a hit, and there was even less public humping than the initial human speed dating attempt.”
Jedidiah Mitchelson, 72, has been running his family farm’s booth at the market for over a decade. “It’s been so interesting to see how the neighborhood and the market have grown during my time here.” He softly told our reporters. “ But no matter what, there’s always been that constant. People come to this square to get absolutely railed. As always, I’ll have extra cucumber infused vegan lube on hand for anyone that needs it.”
“I lost my virginity at the Logan Square Farmers Market last year!” Lily Martinez proudly boasted to the Genius Herald staff. “There's just something so arousing about the $14 cold brew and vintage dad-shirt peddlers. It’s an all summer long aphrodisiac.”
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In order to really lean into those carnal urges, LSQFM is implementing kink booths, live spanking demos, and hemp sex toys coming in from Michigan. When we asked how this would differ from the regulation farmers market fare, they scoffed. “Well, any virgin can come in on the Blue Line and buy a suggestively shaped zucchini, but we’re really upping the ante. Our theme for next year is just ‘Bacchanal. Emphasis on the -anal.’”
