THE LOOP — The newly-completed Salesforce Tower on Wolf Point opened just in time for the holiday season and an important milestone for any skyscraper as it was Die-Harded during the Salesforce holiday party. Tourists, holiday revelers, and even the victims of the Die-harding were treated to an exciting show culminating with a fiery helicopter explosion as the new building was attacked by a group of criminals, with only a down on his luck cop to save the day.
“The Salesforce Tower is one of the most exciting new designs on the Chicago skyline,” said Olivia Henson, 54, Salesforce’s head of real estate, “so it was no surprise that we got Die-Harded. Honestly, I would have been so embarrassed if we weren’t targeted by an international criminal organization. I was at the open bar just pounding wine and when those guys with vague European accents walked in and fired an uzi into the air I was like ‘whew!’”
The gang of criminals — lead by a charismatic and menacing German thief named Otto Kaiser — took over the Holiday festivities and demanded access to the building’s servers.
“It was so awesome,” said Lukas Han, 27, a junior member of the Salesforce marketing team. “This slick dude just walks in and was like ‘von moment, ladies and gentlemen, you have someting ve vant,’ and suddenly the room was filled with cool bad guys. There was at least one lady with an eyepatch and twin dudes with huge muscles. I turned to my bud Jeff and was like ‘dude, we’re getting Die-Harded, this kicks ass.’”
“They shot Jeff, which sucks, but he talked shit to the German guy and that’s the easiest way to get shot during a Die-hard.”
Over the next hour the efforts of the criminals were foiled by Joe McDowell, 43, a police officer, former marine, and recently divorced father with “nothing to lose,” according to those who know him.
“Joe gets really tense and moody around the holidays,” said Tracy McDowell, 40, a secretary to Salesforce’s CEO and ex-wife of Joe McDowell. “As a boy he was Home-Aloned and ever since he always expects the worst on Christmas. It really affected our marriage. I told him not to come, but he was like ‘what if the building gets Die-Harded?’ When those criminals showed up at the party I was like ‘god dammit, Joe’s going to get in the air ducts.’”
According to security footage and eyewitness accounts, McDowell utilized the building’s state of the art air duct system to traverse the fifty-seven floor tower, taking out Kaiser’s henchmen and leaving behind messages to taunt the frustrated gang leader.
“I was worried the Die-Harding wasn’t going to wrap up in time for me to get the Metra home at a reasonable hour,” said Courtney Watson, 54, an accounting specialist for Salesforce. “But when the elevator dinged and inside there was one of the bad guys with ‘I have your guns, I’m your Santa now’ written on his chest, I knew we were close to putting a bow on the whole thing.”
As Kaiser’s heist fell apart, sources say he demanded the party attendees go to the top of the tower’s Ohana Floor, a two story recreation and dining floor that reportedly has an excellent coffee bar, where a helicopter was waiting to fly him back to Germany. However, McDowell intervened and caused the helicopter to crash into the river and explode.
“I was standing on the Wells Street Bridge looking up at the city when the crash happened,” said George Bradley, 46, unemployed. “I saw it explode and looked up to see a guy hanging off a building, swinging on a fire hose and thought to myself, ‘what a great city.’ Really put things in perspective for me, I was trying to It’s-A-Wonderful-Life myself, but seeing that was way cooler than thinking about my family or whatever.”