CHICAGO — Good news for Chicagoans trying to get in on businessman and former mayoral candidate Willie Wilson’s gas giveaways! Wilson has promised to give away more fuel this week, but this time it’ll be hidden around the city in wooden treasure chests and the only way to find them is to start looking!
“I just can’t sit idly by while the people of this city suffer,” said Wilson, who owns several businesses around the Chicagoland area, “But our early efforts to hand out free gas led to some confusion, hurt feelings, long lines, and waits. So now we’re trying something new. Big ol’ treasure chests hidden around the city! Got the idea from watching my grandkids play those damn video games.”
The treasure chests have been hidden around Chicago: buried in vacant lots and yards, hidden behind secret panels in homes, and at the heart of a vast dungeon rumored to be under Lower Wacker. To find these treasure chests, Wilson has also hidden maps and keys in other locations.
“I personally like the challenge,” said Ted Willistown, 38, a father of three and Lawndale resident, “I’ve been driving around all day looking for clues. Hopefully I’ll find one soon, I’m really running out of gas.”
Those lucky enough to find clues to the chests’ whereabouts will be in for a big reward at the end of their epic quest: each treasure chest contains at least 30 gallons of unleaded gasoline!
“We had an issue with keeping the gas in the treasure chest,” said Wilson. “Some leached out into the wood, and some just sloshed out when we were hiding them. But there’s still plenty of gas in there. Just don’t smoke around them, okay?”
The gas-filled treasure chests will be available city-wide until they are all found, but critics of Wilson caution treasure hunters hoping to find a cache and fill up.
“We have a lot of first time treasure hunters out there right now and many of them are not properly equipped for this kind of urban adventure,” said Ted Yepple, 53, a local treasure hunter. “It’s not just ‘find a map, dodge some traps, get treasure.’ It’s knowing all the riddles on the map, it’s knowing the difference between a poison trap and an arcane trap, it’s knowing which treasure is gold, and which is cursed gold that turns you to stone.”
“I bet a lot of people are going to get down in the Lower Wacker dungeon and not know the difference between a Willie Wilson gas chest and a Harold Washington necromancy chest that spawns skeleton guards if you open it.”
According to Wilson, the gas giveaways will continue as long as prices remain high. Wilson is considering new methods for his next giveaway, including mailing gas to people and dropping gas on the city from one of those helicopters they use to put out forest fires.