Chicago Scientists Discover Extremophile Stock Boy in Mariano’s Trench

September 15, 2021

LAKE MICHIGAN — Aboard The Kroger Company’s flagship science vessel, the KSS Private Selection, their top researchers popped a bottle of champagne, celebrating publication of their latest discovery: a new species of stock boy, only 0.04 in long, discovered living at the bottom of Lake Michigan’s Mariano’s Trench.

“This is huge,” said research assistant Drake Mann, 36, as he turned up the volume on a portable bluetooth speaker playing “Biggie Smalls - Hypnotize”. “Well, technically, it’s tiny.”

Mariano’s Trench, discovered by Bob Mariano in 2007, has been the source of many of the chain’s groundbreaking discoveries before being sold to Kroger. Scientists are hoping this latest will be its most valuable yet.

“Imagine a stock worker who can survive in the most extreme conditions,” recounted mission team leader Kyle Margarite, 44. “We’re talking no 15 minute breaks, plus it can be working in the walk-in beer freezer for hours without succumbing to the cold.”

Kroger’s science division claims that the tiny organism may be useful in stocking their smallest items.

The discovery was made by using a new generation of Kroger brand submersible, which the researchers brag is better than their previous Aldi brand submersible and almost as affordable when you use your loyalty card, which they forgot, but still.

At press time the researchers were suddenly in a worried frenzy, having misplaced the tiny organism near their microscopes, then finding relief when they realized it was just on the bow of the ship having a tiny smoke break.   

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